The Tiger Lilies

Motion Sickness Association of America Reviews Avatar

2010-02-20T21:36:00.008-06:00

Unlike the Blair Witch Project which received 3 stars from the Motion Sickness Association of America and the latest Jason Borne installment which scored an amazing 4 1/2 stars on the Motion Sickness Scale, Avatar received an impressive and yet-to-be achieved 5 star rating. It will most definetly take movie goers a full five days to fully recover their equilibrium.

Avatar starts us spinning from the very first scene and spits us out with a terrible case of sea-sickness that would rival any rough-water dinghy ride in the Cayman Islands. (This movie reviewer's personal worst motion-sickness episode.) But Avatar is a such a mesmerizing and new ride with such special effects and amazing scenery, that no matter how sick you start to feel you won't ever want to ask to get off.

Avatar will be just like the Tea Cup ride at Disney World. You will both love and hate it.

First, the plot: Donning 3-D glasses in an IMAX setting, movie goers are introduced to Jake Sully, a paraplegic ex-Marine who is going to an alien-filled planet, Pandora, which is rich with natural resources. Sully's mission, along with other new recruits, is simple: take on an Avatar body like those of the natives, infiltrate the native's society, gain their trust and then betray them. It is the age-old story of white man taking what is not his. But much like Avatar's special 3-D effects, the plot takes its own expected twist. To no one's surprise, Sully falls in love with the native people and a certain native maiden named Neytiri, and a John Smith/Pocahontas/Dances with Wolves scenario is introduced.

And a total and complete nauseating sickness overtakes the 3-D movie goers.

Now to the dialogue: The most sickening part of the movie was not its special effects or cheesy plot, but the terrible dialogue lines and sterotypical roles assigned by writer/director and cheesy "King of the World" himself, James Cameron. Here are a few examples: The head scientist, Dr. Grace, who obviously hates meat-head Marine, Sully, tells him, "Let your mind go blank, that should be easy for you." Later, the hard-ass helicopter pilot Trudy (Anna Lucia from LOST) smacks her gum (of course), then smirks and triumphantly spouts off, "You guys should see your faces" as the new recruits are introduced to the visually breathtaking scenery of Pandora.

[Here Cameron tells Sam Worthington (Jake Sully), "Now go over there and say, 'You had me at hello.' It will be perfect.]

But the most gag-inducing dialogue was assigned to the bad guy, Colonel Quaritch. The queasy feeling begins to creep in right from the start when Col. Quaritch explains to the new recurits, "You're not in Kansas anymore" when they land on Pandora. How original. And you really feel the need to hurl as he rounds out his terrible dialogue perfumance with, "Come to Pappa" when challenging the hero to duel in the final scenes.

And finally, the most dizzying effect: Mother Nature. Compounding the motion sickness caused by the incredible visual effects, the gut-wrenching dialogue and unoriginal plot line is the appearance of the Mother Nature-diety character, Ewya. It's not the nature part that we turn "green" over, it's the obvious parallel to Oprah Winfrey that Cameron draws here.

[Because she didn't like her Avatar, Oprah obviously chose the next best character that she thought fit her the best: the all-knowing, all-controlling deity character, Ewya.]

Ewya is the spiritual leader. She is all knowing, she loves everything, runs everything and even gives and takes life. She's an expert on mating rituals and lifetime mates, although there's never a Father Nature in the picture. Instead there's just a stand-in "Stedman" tribe leader who lets "Gail," his wife, run the show. And Gail and Ewya are pretty close. I think Ewya is so excited when Sully comes back to save the day that you hear a "Jaaaake Sullllly!!!" coming from the Life tree at one point. Nauseating.

By the end of the movie, you just wish that it would all end. Like nighttime in the forrest, movie-goers are going to feel like they are taking a bad trip at a neon-lit Rave. You will be begging Ewya to make the ceiling stop spinning.

The final word: You will be sickened by Avatar, but you must watch it and you won't be able to look away. Take a few deep breaths, keep your eyes on the horizon and have a barf-bag at the ready. You're in for a visually stimulating and vomit-inducing ride.

My Inner Beyoncé

2010-02-17T17:35:00.006-06:00

For the last few months I've been working on a "total life overhaul." It has been one of the happiest times of my life where I've just taken some time to really figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Currently, I'm finishing my Master's degree in professional and technical writing. All I have left is a three hour class on linguistics and my Mater's thesis: "How to market yourself online as a freelance writer." Writing my thesis entails logging some serious research time at the library, learning the useful bits about Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and WordPress and a lot of writing time at my kitchen table.

I've also had the opportunity to do some freelance work on a tourism guide to Rwanda and I just started a serious book club called 10 x 12 with my good friend, MM. And for the cherry on top, I'm attending the "Woman on a Mission" bible study every Wednesday morning for the next ten weeks. God and I are working out my purpose in life-- and let me tell you I am excited about it.

I've never loved my life more.

In the months to come, I will be launching my freelance writing business, appropriately named, The Tiger Lilies. Much like this blog that points out contradictions, my freelance writing business will focus on my contradiction as a writer and a person-- both technical and creative, "Type-A" and Diva all wrapped into one.

But as my "Type-A," technical writing personality checks off items on my to-do list, I've noticed that my inner Beyoncé is beginning to growl. She began getting antsy when American Idol started, and as we get closer to the top 24, she's feeling the need to perform. I mean, Ellen will be there!

I've always said that the first thing I'd like to do when I get to heaven is to be shown to the dinner table. And after about a decade there with dozens of Community Bakery's iced sugar cookies and Way out Willie's fajitas, St. Peter will be showing me to the stage.

Tiger Lily to my inner Beyoncé, she is being so patient.

Tiger Lily to Angst, Sallinger Style

2010-01-30T21:02:00.000-06:00

A Rare Re-Post in Honor of the Late Sallinger.

About two weeks ago, Matt and I went on a much-needed vacation to Mexico. I was looking forward to eating too much at our all-inclusive resort and basking in the hot Cancun sun while washing away the swine flu with every hand-wash. And as part of my normal vacation ritual, I brought along a couple of books to read. (I am on this kick where I'm trying to read classics.) So as I was browsing the "required summer reading" shelves at Barnes and Noble, I ran across The Catcher in the Rye.

This particular edition of the "American Classic" didn't have a synopsis printed on the back or on the inside cover and I decided to take a gamble. I had no idea what the book was about, but I knew it was a classic and the first page caught my attention:

“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them. They’re quite touchy about anything like that, especially my father.”

The story opens with a depressed and angry 16-year old named Holden Caulfield, who has just been kicked out of his third or fourth prep school. The remaining 100 or so pages follow his trip home to face his parents who Holden expects will be very disappointed with him, yet again. The more the story continued to do nothing but follow this kid, the more engrossed I became. I empathized with this "screw up" who was terribly whiny and foul-mouthed. And as he described every adult he saw as a "phoney," I began to adopt his cynical views and became a little unhappy-- even on vacation. If I hadn't picked up Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons before we left, I might be in therapy right now.

The more I tried to figure out why The Catcher in the Rye was such an American Classic, the more baffled I became. And now, after two weeks of reflection, I have decided that this story of a young man's angst must have been cutting-edge in the 1950's. I'm sure this book was banned not only for the language and the mention of "feeling sexy" around a prostitute, but also because no one in America would have wanted little Johnny to adopt such a negative outlook on life.

All in all, I quite prefer Ferris Bueller's teen-angst to Holden Caulfield's. While I can relate with both characters, Ferris provides a more playful and hopeful view of what comes next in life, where Holden just depresses the hell out of you.

In response to all of this, I have begun trying to really focus on the "glass-half-full" approach to life. That, and Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons has really brought me out this loathing for all mankind and I'm starting to recover. Tiger Lily to Salinger's teen angst; it has caused me to focus on being happy.

Expectations and I are Facing Off.

2010-01-16T23:11:00.007-06:00

This Tiger Lily is dedicated to Jennifer Anniston. (I'm sure she faced off with her Expectations years ago...)

Tonight I attended one of my good friend's weddings and caught myself really concentrating on what the preacher had to say. He gave a homily of sorts, but on the shorter side, (which we all can appreciate) and then ended the service with a simple prayer. He prayed that the couple would experience "peace" in their marriage.

Well, HELLO! Did the preacher say that at my wedding and I just wasn't paying attention? Tonight, it finally hit me. I've been expecting perfection all my life, and I'm not just talking about my marriage-- which is actually pretty great, thanks to my husband-- But instead, I should have been asking God for "peace" instead of expecting Him to deliver "perfection."

So what are these things, "EXPECTATIONS"? And why have mine been so out of control? I guess I stubbornly expect everything to be perfect, to be on my timeline and to work out beautifully. But tonight, I began to realize that I should be praying for more "peace" as life usually delivers the unexpected.

For instance, in 2009:

1. Michael Jackson passed away. Totally unexpected. And, further on this note, I loved This Is It. Also totally unexpected. (If you haven't seen it, you should. "God bless you.")

2. Taylor Swift won The Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year Award. Have you heard her sing live? Totally unexpected.

She named her album, "Fearless." Because you would have to be to go to her concert.

3. Oprah announced she will retire. Wait, she's not God? She won't live forever? Again, unexpected.

Here she is praying. I guess that should have tipped me off that she wasn't deity incarnate.

4. The public is now loving Kate and hating Jon. Well you could knock me over with a feather.

5. The Octo-Mom did not sign on for a reality television show. Unexpected.

6. Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. (Settle down everybody, I'm just saying it was unexpected!)

Here he is after that great bank bail-out decision.

So Tiger Lily to Expectations. They almost never turn out the way you planned.

And kudos to Jennifer Anniston. From what I can see, she must have kicked Expectations to the curb and started asking for peace a long time ago.

Tiger (Lily) Woods

2009-12-21T13:14:00.008-06:00

Sorry, I had to. My fans (all two of them) have both asked me to write a Tiger Lily for Mr. Woods and I couldn't resist.

Before I award the Tiger Lily, I have a few comments to make. First, I'd like to commend Tiger for his choice in women. As I've read through my trusted source, People, these women have been displayed for my gawking pleasure week-in and week-out. I'd like to say,

"Superior taste, Mr. Woods! I especially like the older Miss Orlando. She must have preformed really well in talent portion of the competition."

(Warning, do not google "Tiger's Mistresses and photos." I'm afraid my McAfee software went into overdrive.)

Next, I'd like to express my new fondness for Tiger's wife, Elin. Normally, I'm a hater of beautiful, "Trophy" Wives, but I now have a profound respect for her and what she's gone through. I can't imagine. All I have to say is,

"Way to go with the golf club! Women everywhere are living vicariously through you! (Even if it's not true.)"

And lastly, I just want to say,

"Yeah, right" that Tiger's Caddy/Wingman, Steve Williams, knew nothing about all of this. Here he is pointing out Mistress #73 to Tiger in the gallery.

But I think the real TL goes to Tiger's fans. I mean, are you really surprised?

Let's review some famous men and their lack of fidelity:

Dog #1- Wilt Chamberlain.
I mention him first because men all over the world like to quote Wilt's self-reported statistic every time. As if to say, "At least he wasn't as bad as Wilt." It drives me crazy.

Good 'ole Wilt brags in his autobiography, A View From Above, that he had sex with over 20,000 women. Wilt's saving grace (in my book, at least) was that he never married. Yet, when asked by a steady girlfriend how many women he'd slept with, he held up the following sign:

Wilt, you sly, lying dog.

Dog #2- Magic Johnson.
Magic contracted HIV and admitted in the early 90's that this was the product of affairs with multiple sexual partners. My guess is that he cheated on his wife. What a hero.

Dog #3- Kobe Bryant
Kobe was accused of a sexual assault on a 19-year old in Colorado in 2003. The charges were later dropped and Kobe simply explained that it was an extramarital affair. Phew. Thank goodness he's such a great guy. He even gave his wife a jumbo diamond after that. She's so lucky. I bet that's the only extramarital affair he ever had.

Dog #4- John Edwards
Johnny ran for President while his wife battled breast cancer and took care of their kids. If this wasn't enough to put him in the dog category, he then made a baby with a bimbo who thought he was "hot." (Please see my blog post about good hair. It's never good, people.)

Dog #5- Tim Tebow
Okay, so he hasn't been accused of infidelity yet. But it's just a matter of time. Look at his girlfriend. Poor thing.

I could parade a number of other dogs and their dirty-dog ways, but I think you get the point. Tiger is just one, in a long line, of misbehaving men. It is all of us who should take the Tiger Lily. We were fooled by his PR machine, by his biceps, by his Sunday-clutch shots and arm pumps. We just wanted to believe that all those PGA guys are just as squeaky clean as they are talented. I think we've all learned the hard way not to be so naive.

I'm not saying that any of us, myself included, are any shade of perfect. I don't expect Tiger or anyone else to be any more than just human. But his calculated, manipulative, and assisted marital escapades should not be glossed over just because he's a great athlete. It is terrible. I appreciate that he's asked forgiveness and I hope he won't do it again. But rarely do old dogs learn new tricks. Tiger Lily to everyone who was surprised and to anyone who thinks this will be the last time.

New Moon Knocks the Socks Off Chastity

2009-11-20T10:43:00.014-06:00

Warning- a Sexy Read.

Fanpires and Wolf Packs ascended the theaters nation-wide last night for a midnight glimpse of Stephanie Meyer's New Moon-- the latest installment in her best selling Twilight-series about Vampires, Werewolves and Love Triangles. And as much as I'd like to say that I'm not a fan, about three things I am absolutely positive:

First, Twilight is about Vampires.
Second, there is a part of me, and I don't know how dominant that part might be- that is prone to obsession over fictional characters.
And Third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Jacob.

But seriously. How did I become such a dork? I'd like to say for the record, that I am a cool person. I have never liked Star Wars too much or known enough about Star Trek to name all of the characters (Mom), and I have absolutely never dressed up like any of these characters, not even a cape or wand accessory for Harry Potter.

But there is something about the Twilight Series that brings out the "New Kids on the Block" reaction in me. I bought my ticket for the New Moon premiere as soon as they went on sale; I began standing in line at 6:00 p.m. for a midnight showing; and I've even taken sides again- but this time, it's not Joey over Donny, it's Jacob over Edward.

I almost teared up when Jacob came on screen, I tore the hair from my own head, came close to fainting and almost lost my mind. Wait. Tiger Lily, I have lost my mind.

This could be me. Sanjaya girl.

I blame the Twilight pushers (Reagan, Traci and Brooke) who gave me a thirst for something that can never be satiated. I mean, it's a story about chastity and blood-thirsting that never truly delivers. It's like blue balls for girls. And we love it.

It's a story of unrequited love and all that star-crossed lovers BS that gets girls going. Edward, the brooding and good looking "bad boy" Vampire loves Bella- but he won't do anything about it- for the entire movie. They embrace, breath really hard at one another, occasionally exchange a pained-but restrained kiss, and then never go any further. I've admitted on more than one occasion that while reading these books, I would think, "Just do it!"

Right before they stare and don't kiss-- again.

Then, to spice things up- Meyers adds a love triangle. (And cue Jacob the Werewolf.) He's the ripped 17-year-old with with dark hair who is totally willing to "make it happen." (Thanks to J-Keaton for this phrase. It just means what you think it means.) But Bella won't have any of it. She'd rather lead him on and then go back to her non-delivering Vampire.

The brunette who gets it all wrong.

The blond that proves not all of them are dumb.

Women watch all of this for transpire over the course of two hours and then go home husbands who are now loving the Twilight series too, even though they'll never see the movies.

Tiger Lily to those people that have touted this book as a "good message" for teenage girls. It obviously makes all women crazy and absolutely has the potential to ruin a promise-ring ceremony.

Tiger Lily to 30-something women everywhere who are getting their kicks from a young-adult book series-- myself included.

And most of all, Tiger Lily to all of the men who make fun of us. You're getting more than Edward or Jacob ever dreamed of.

Coffee Date- Pharma Style

2009-10-28T13:56:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I met my husband at Starbucks for an early-morning coffee date. We succumbed to a piece of "low-fat" cinnamon coffee cake and talked about the day ahead. Amidst the heating of the milk that makes that unmistakable Starbucks sound, and the smell of burnt coffee, we began to hear a very loud and very country-accented patron talking about his "drug" (Drug X) and the number of prescriptions "Dr. Black" would be writing of this said drug. It reminded me of my pharmaceutical days and made me smile, and then cringe, and then smile again.

Country Sales Rep (CSR): "Hello Dr. Black. I'm so glad you could meet me this morning for coffee. I like to bring my docs here and treat them to something really special. How is your latte?" *Cheesy and self-satisfied smile*

Dr. Black: "It's great, CSR. You should bring me a vente next time you visit. (CSR takes a quick note.) Although I've met with many drug representatives from your company, you might just be one of my favorites. You really bring me information that is relevant to my patients." *Rolls his eyes while CSR takes a sip of his latte and reminds himself that CSR will be giving him a generous check after Wednesday night's dinner program-- at which he will serve as a speaker, again.*

CSR: "So, I've noticed that you have quite a few elderly patients in your practice." *Self-satisfied smile again, he thinks himself very perceptive and congratulates himself on delivering a clever hook that has now engaged Dr. Black.*

Dr. Black: "Why yes, CSR, I do have many elderly patients and I've really started writing Drug X for quite a few of them." *Checks his watch, decides that he needs to give CSR about 10 more minutes.*

CSR: "Well, that's what I wanted to talk with you about this morning. After looking at the prescribing data that my company gives me, it seems that you might only be writing Drug X for 98% of your patients. Now, I know that not all of your patients are elderly, but surely all of them would benefit from Drug X? In fact, the other day, I was talking to one of my Nurse Practitioners who is a huge writer of Drug X; she was telling me that she has seen Drug X make such a difference in her middle-aged patients' lives, that they are now able to walk all the way to the mailbox and back, play that extra nine holes of golf, and even do their yard work again. And now that Drug X is fully covered on Blue Cross and Blue Shield, there's not really any reason you shouldn't write it for every patient in your practice." *Short pause, then CSR remembers that he should "check-in" or take Dr. Black's pulse.* So, he adds, "Does this make sense Dr. Black?"

Dr. Black: *Has been glad to have CSR engaged in his sales-pitch and has been eyeing the sexy/gothic coffee barista as she pours out a cafe mocha. Realizes CSR has stopped talking and luckily caught the last part of what he just said.* "Well, I do think that makes a lot of sense, CSR. I'll have to try that today."

CSR: *Baffled. Dumbfounded. Does not know what to do. Has been practicing possible objections in his car all morning and this "agreeable" response was not something he was prepared for. Takes the lid off his coffee and peers inside the cup to buy some time.* "Well, that is wonderful Dr. Black. I have been trying to win this big trip with my company and I really needed that 2% of your patients." *Self-satisfied smile again. Nice recovery and applauds his honesty. Honesty is always the best policy.*

Dr. Black: "Well CSR, I'd better be going. Thank you so much for the latte. I had to go with my regular order this morning, but when you bring me my vente tomorrow, bring me the one you ordered. What did you call it again?"

CSR: "Tiger Lily Spiced Latte, extra sugar but hold the whip. They are really great. I owe all my success to the Tiger Lily Latte." *Shakes Dr. Black's hand and goes back to his car to log a few "no-signature" calls. He also leaves the following voice message for his teammates:

"Hey Little Rock Road Runners-- this is CSR and I have a success story to leave with all of you-- My relationship has just reached its peak with Dr. Black. I've been really working on him this month and as we sat down to our morning coffee, he agreed to write Drug X for 100% of his patients. I will be available tonight if anyone wants to talk one-on-one about this victory and how to do this in your own territory. Make it a great day and good-selling!"

Meanwhile Dr. Black returns his nurse's call that he missed during the coffee-sales pitch: "Marie, yes, I can make it to lunch with Drug Rep B. And please tell Drug Rep C that I will see him this afternoon at 2:00. Tell him I said, "Go Hogs." Also, please make sure that the check from Drug Rep D is deposited into my special account and call Drug Rep E for samples. I'll be back to the clinic in a few minutes."

Leanne: *Wry smile* Please excuse my exaggerated re-count of that pharmaceutical masterpiece. This is not a true characterization of what the job is really like for a good sales rep-- but you have to admit that there are a lot of CSR's out there and it's just so hard not to poke fun at it them sometimes. But a quick note to CSR-- I wouldn't have been able to make fun of you today if you hadn't been talking so loud!

Keeping out the Tiger Lilies

2009-09-23T14:11:00.016-05:00

The azaleas are beginning to bloom in our front flower bed, but you can barely see them thanks to the unyielding efforts of the impatiens that are still holding their own from early spring. The majority of the impatiens are a deep magenta, with a few coral and white buds resurfacing from last year's batch. They are so large and beautiful that they almost look like brightly polka-dotted bushes.

In fact, I've taken such care with the impatiens, that their fullness is actually a little overstated and it's obvious that I let the miracle grow flow as freely as the rain did this summer. They almost seem unnatural. But I continue to get compliments on the front bed and I have resisted the urge to plant my fall pansies which should last throughout the winter.

Similarly, thanks to the sole efforts of my husband, the grass in the front is as lovely as the ruff at Augusta. To the swelling pride of us both, we even had a neighbor remark that he would love to take a chipping wedge to our front yard.

And now to the back yard. 18 months ago, our back yard was in okay shape, but never being happy with good-enough, I decided that it needed an artistic touch. I bought a climbing mandavilla which was planted in a big pot and let it stretch its way across my deck. The mandavilla is a tropical flower and something that I had never grown before, but with the heat and a little water, it began to grow and bloom. I helped it spread out by tying some of the vines to the deck posts, guiding its path here and there. Aside from the bird's nest that was being rebuilt by a mama robin for her spring babies under the overhang of the roof, the mandavilla was the shining star of the back yard.

The grass was also in okay shape-- save one persnickety little spot that just wouldn't grow any grass. We fertilized, we watered, we even had a professional lawn service take a look at it. Finally, surrendering to the mystery of horticulture and not having the patience for this inconvenience, we decided to see if the health of the rest of the yard would soon overtake the brown patch. With a little patience and perseverance, we thought we'd have something as beautiful as Amen Corner in our back yard, too.

But as much as my impatiens flourished and spread in the front, the grass began to die with equal tenacity in the back. And the more it died, the less I tried to fix it. And truth be told, I never really tried to fix it, I just complained about it to my husband. I complained that we weren't getting our money's worth from our professional lawn service, I complained that it was ugly, I even quit picking the weeds that grew despite the lack of grass. And then, I let my mandavilla die. To punctuate the backyard's decay, I left the skeleton of the mandavilla tied to the deck for months.

It surprises me that the problems we're having in the back haven't surfaced in the front. But in truth, I have sure spent more time and effort on the front. The only hint of my inadequacy as a gardener, ironically, is the impressive size and success of the impatiens. Like I said, they look almost too big, unnatural, artificial. And their lack of authenticity is beginning to overshadow and stunt the growth of the beautiful azaleas. Pretty soon, Tiger Lilies will begin to bloom in full force. Something I've been worried about for a long time.

So starting October 1st, it will be time for some pruning of the front. Actually, it will be time for a slash and burn. It won't be pretty at first, but I hope what will result will be even more beautiful than the impatiens. And more importantly, it is time for some real attention to the back. And I'm making the time. The back yard is not glamorous, people won't compliment me for it, but I know I need to do all of this to maintain a healthy yard, both inside and out.

I'm pretty sure that the Tiger Lilies were just beginning to reach the surface in the front, despite my miracally-grown impatiens. But I've made up my mind. I'm not going to let that happen.

I am a good gardener. I know it. And honestly, this is way more about me than the yard.

Special thanks to my mother and my husband for helping with all of it, and for helping with all that lies ahead. On to greener pastures. Literally.

The BOOMER Outcomes Trial (Abstract and Commentary)

2009-09-02T10:38:00.021-05:00

(The following article was published in the TIGER LILIES Journal for its absurd nature, author's baffling strong relationship with Boomer parents and the uninformed nature of the content.)

Non-Randomized, but largely intentional dominance of Boomer generation's opinions applied to health care debate and plausible resulting outcomes.

Leanne Deason, M.D.* and on behalf of the Generation X and Millennial Generation Study Investigators

Abstract

Objective: To determine the causes and outcomes of the Boomer Generation's dominance in the current health care debate, and to provide possible prevention measures.

Research Design and Methods: The BOOMER Outcomes Trial is purely an observational trial in which investigators have merely observed current trends in Baby Boomer behavior and concluded by giving their opinions as to the negative implications for later generations. The investigators of the BOOMER Outcomes Trial would like this to serve in the prevention of the total annihilation of Generation X and Millennials' futures.

Warning: If you are over the age of 50, the reading of the BOOMER Outcomes Trial may be hazardous to your health. It may cause an unnecessary increase in blood pressure and high levels of furiousness. Contact your doctor right away if you feel that this trial has "hit a nerve" or caused you difficulty in thinking clearly. If you are pregnant, plan to become pregnant or are breast-feeding, read on; you are probably young enough to handle the following truths about the Baby Boomer generation.

Results: Of the 76 million Baby Boomers, many have whined, cried and yelled their way through the national health care debate. Cigarettes in hand, and with the power of numbers and the almighty AARP behind them, they will decide to have their cake and eat it too. Seen here is a brave Gen Xer who risks job-loss, family excommunication and general humiliation if she continues to hold up her sign of civility.

Brace yourselves Generation X and Millennials, the impending and hefty Baby Boomer medical costs we will be obliged to absorb may come as a sucker punch from parents who "coddled" us into existence and even babied us through adulthood.** According to the Boomers themselves, we are not prepared for the grim reality that faces us in the near future. The cold hard truth: Boomers are shaping the health care plan to take care of #1. And we're going to pay for it.

Commentary

Here's how Boomers have managed to bull-doze the later generations:

Generation X and Millennals have been unfairly characterized as lazy slobs who feel entitled to everything. Check out this story from CBS written about Millennals in the work force. The Boomer advertising executive quoted actually has this to say about how to speak to Millennials:

"You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. You can't really ask them to live and breathe the company. Because they're living and breathing themselves and that keeps them very busy." Later she expands: "These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and [that] the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have this commitment. So you actually envy them. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool."

This story made the investigator's blood boil. The lazy-entitled nature of the Millennals is something that is now widely accepted as fact thanks to this type of propaganda being shoveled by the Boomer generation. While many highly productive, Gen Xers and Millennials work hard at their jobs, (aka: being babysat by a highly-superior Boomer) they can't shake this unflattering characterization which is being used against them to set policy. Seen here are Boomer town-hall attendees who vote in favor of "sticking it to these lazy, Millennal SOB's."

Further observations in this study lead to the following evidence: Boomers control the media. Brian Williams, NBC- age 50, Charlie Gibson, ABC- age 66, Katie Couric, CBS- age 52. The list goes on, even the lead-cast of the Today Show: Mereditih Vieria, Matt Lauer and Ann Curry qualify for a senior citizen discount.

Additionally, the senior special interest group, AARP, has ramped up their pro-Boomer efforts with their "Divided We Fail" and the "Assault on the Truth" campaigns. As complaining about the Medicare Donut Hole gets passe, (the portion of the Medicare Drug plan that they actually have to pay for), they are now showing commercials that depict "special interest groups" barring them from medical treatment. In the commercial, an ambulance, no doubt carrying a Boomer, is diverted from its route to the hospital by Millennials driving the "speical interest" cars.

Obviously, a Millennial is driving the "special interest group" car because no Boomer could maneuver a car like that anymore.

Possible Preventative Measures

The investigators would like to point out that they do not know how to remedy the health care crisis but will be brazen enough to suggest a few possible improvements that can be made:

1. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should all begin eating healthy and exercising.

2. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should all except that health care is going to cost and it's probably going to cost a lot.

3. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should accept responsibility for themselves and not push it off to other generations.

When the investigation committee asked two Boomers what they thought of these suggestions, they responded with a simple:

* M.D. just stands for mostly distressed.

**These facts have been given by Baby Boomers and are not corroborated by later generations.

I Already Cased the Joint: A Public Enemies Movie Review

2009-07-02T10:56:00.013-05:00

“This is a stick up! You and your broad get over there you mutt, I’m taking your money, see, and even though this movie ain’t too swell, you’re gonna’ say you like it, or you’ll be pushing up daisies!” Director Michael Mann of Public Enemies.

Was that over-the top? Did I throw in way too many mobster-sayings? Did it sound cliché? Were you waiting for Bugs Bunny to jump out and chomp on a carrot? Well if you said yes to any of these questions, you might skip Public Enemies this weekend.

Despite its amazing cast of characters, a good story and the possibilities of fantastic set and costume design, Public Enemies left me scratching my head. What was it about this movie that made it virtually impossible to achieve a suspension of disbelief?

It wasn’t the plot. The story delivered.

John Dillinger, a notorious bank-robber of the early 1930’s, breaks his buddies from an Indiana jail in the opening scenes. He then goes on a crime spree in Chicago, robbing banks like a gangster should. A team of men, in dapper suits and fedora hats rob big banks in mere seconds with Dillinger at the helm and a get-away-car waiting outside. There are oozies galore and a bit of blood and guts, but it’s not too gory. With characters like Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd on board and a beautiful “black bird” female-love interest to spice up Dillinger’s down-time, I really enjoyed the story.

Character-non-development? Although the character development left a few stones unturned, this wasn’t the problem. We don’t really care why Dillinger did it; we just want to see him do it!

As history remembers him, The Robin Hood of mobsters, Dillinger refuses to take the bank customers’ money, instead only stealing from the bank vault. What a saint! The movie enlightens the audience to only one thing about Dillinger’s childhood—that it was abusive—and we learn nothing of his adult life before robbing banks. But we know this: he’s funny, he’s charming and he’s popular with the ladies, enough for me.

Maybe it was the acting. Or the over-acting of one particular actor—Christian Bale. Yes, this is part of it, we’re getting closer.

Coming off of his blockbuster Batman hit, Bale is a rising star despite his off-screen tantrums. Cast as Melvin Purvis, the FBI agent who lives to bring down criminals and was appointed by J. Edgar Hoover himself, Purvis is not a character-stretch for Bale. It’s almost as if he’s being type-cast as a good-looking justice seeker. (Anyone remember his break-out performance in Newsies? That’s when I fell in love.) But this time, Bale doesn’t have a Batman mask to hide behind and his depiction of Purvis is so intense and over-the-top that you begin to wonder if Bale’s good-guy performance is being pulled from the pages of a comic. I think he even uses the “Batman voice” a few times.

Was it Johnny Depp?

No. He was amazing.

Was it the cinematography or the lack of set and costume-design? Yes. Yes. And Yes again.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. And then I had to hide my eyes because I thought I was going to be sick. It wasn’t quite as “wonderful-nauseating” as a Borne film, and definitely not as Blair Witch grainy and intentional-amateur-esque, but something in between. It was just a mess of awful camera work that made me sea-sick and left me laughing. Everything seemed fake. I couldn’t get into any of the action scenes because I felt like at any moment, we would see the geeky guy that made movies in high school pop out from behind the camera to make his Hollywood-director’s début.

Also, there were no special effects, save one, where an FBI agent decides on a slow-motion summersault through the air before shooting one of Dillinger’s cronies. And my favorite, laughable moment, is when Dillinger is awoken by gun-shots in his Minnesota hide-out. With Depp channeling Jack-Sparrow, the Director quickly cuts to Depp’s crazy eyes when he hears the gun-shots. (My movie-going friend and I bust out laughing in the theatre.) And without going into detail—the set and costume design was weak at best. Let’s just say it was no Atonement.

I blame the Director, Michael Mann for this potential Hollywood-blockbuster’s death. The obituary for this summer-movie could read: "Born to be a Hollywood Blockbuster, Public Enemies died an amateur-disappointment that left this world on the wrong side of equilibrium. Johnny Depp and Christian Bale are it’s only survivors." And then I’d lay a Tiger Lily at the gravesite.

So should you see this movie?

Absolutely. Ladies, if you can get both Johnny Depp and Christian Bale for the price of one Blockbuster-renter, I say go for it. But save your $17 bucks for a ticket and popcorn for Harry Potter. I’m sure it will have better special effects.

Arkansas and Oklahoma/Texas Face Off

2009-06-30T10:50:00.004-05:00

Contrary to what you might think, I am actually a native Texan and not originally from Arkansas. I was born near Amarillo, Texas, later lived in the Houston area and then moved to Arkansas when I was 10 years old. After being raised in the Natural State, I gladly left home for the University of Oklahoma and later married a wonderful guy from Edmond—hoping that he would take me back there someday. And as crazy as it sounds, we still live in Little Rock and actually like it.

But as we have been traveling a lot lately, and I’ve begun to think twice about the land-that-I-love. After going to Texas two weekends ago for a wedding and then to Oklahoma City last week for a friend’s 30th birthday, I began to wonder what it was about Arkansas that we liked so much. For instance, if Arkansas faced-off with Texas or Oklahoma, which state would prevail?

1. Let’s start with the obvious: Sports.

What kills me is that people in Arkansas hate OU and the University of Texas. Arkansans even tell Aggie jokes which strikes me as completely ironic because the state is well-known for Tyson foods, Hogs and soybeans. But back to sports, who would ever question the dominance of OU and UT over Arkansas? Hell, as much as I hate to say it, OSU could even stomp the Hogs. I know Arkansas will occasionally win a hard-fought battle against these arch enemies who aren’t even in the SEC, but overall—if I’m being honest, this is a point for Oklahoma and Texas.

2. Targets/Shopping.

With a state as large as Texas, it is inevitable that the shopping is going to be better than Arkansas. So let’s just throw Texas out on this one, and focus on the shopping debate between Arkansas and Oklahoma. First, I think it is important to say that I’m not talking about designer shopping, because I’m really only concerned with essential purchases. And I could argue that most essential shopping can be done at a Target store. Except not in Arkansas. In the land of Wal-Mart, (Wal-Mart was founded in Bentonville, Arkansas) there isn’t even a single, solitary, Super Target. If I want to buy the creations of Mossimo along with an ear of corn, I’m out of luck. Even on the shampoo aisle in Edmond, Oklahoma’s Target I started to get depressed. Who knew there were more than five choices of shampoo and conditioner? Point to Oklahoma and Texas.

3. News coverage.

While in Texas two weekends ago, my husband and I learned of the conflict in Iran, and thank goodness. If we’d been in Arkansas, watching the local news, who knows what local grass-fire would have eclipsed this international crisis? To be fair, in Arkansas, local stations do cover national and international stories, but honestly, one station actually brags about only covering the local news, as if we aren’t insulated enough from the rest of the world. Yes, we have the Internet and wear shoes most of the time, but after watching a night full of Channel 4, you have to laugh as we perpetuate our own stereotypes. Point to Oklahoma and Texas.

4. Accents.

Most people who have never been to Arkansas would think that we have beautiful Southern accents. Designing Women and Gone with the Wind’s Tara come to mind. And then you hear an Arkansan talk. It’s this “Arkansas” accent that hits you right between the eyes and the terms, “hillbilly” and “hick” come to mind. Now, some people can’t help it. They’ve been raised here and while they might be well educated and very non-Hillbilly, the accent is just as unavoidable as it is distinct. Case-and-point: (And I am not making this up.) When traveling in Europe one summer during college, my travel companion and I were literally standing in the middle of the Forum in Rome. When suddenly, I was frozen in my Chacos, listening to the distinct and somewhat jarring sounds of an Arkansan speaking. I immediately told my travel-mate that I was sure those people were from Arkansas, and to make things even more hilarious and small-town, I knew them. It was my preacher, his wife and daughter. We had a nice chat with Mrs. Anne and went on our way.

To contrast, let’s examine the Texas and Oklahoma accents. Texas: I had a pledge sister in college from Panhandle, Texas. She had a beautiful drawl that everyone loved. It endeared us to her. The accent of this cattle-rancher’s daughter didn’t cause us to wince, we actually thought it was sweet. Oklahoma: Most people from Oklahoma are accent-neutral. In fact, it’s such an ambiguous accent that when my husband first went to training with his company in New Jersey, people couldn’t guess where he was from. Now, eight years of Arkansas later, his teammates are making fun of what he has accidentally absorbed. I said it was unavoidable. Point to Texas and Oklahoma.

5. Fun things to do.

Little Rock is the capital city of Arkansas and one of the largest cities in the state. We don’t have a professional sports team, or even a Cheesecake Factory, but we do have the Skatium. The one skating rink in the city is so hopping on Sunday nights that the police are called out to manage all of the pre-teens who take to the street. Some wander their way up to Wal-Mart to get a coke while others hangout at the snow-cone hut and make it a perfect weekend.

In Oklahoma City, they have an area called Bricktown which is quickly becoming Oklahoma’s version of the San Antonio Riverwalk. The Oklahoma City Thunder shoots baskets at the Ford Center and Billy Joel and Elton John actually had a sold-out concert in Tulsa. Snow cones on Sunday begin to pale in comparison to these Oklahoma and Texas attractions. Point to Oklahoma and Texas.

I could go on.

But as I write all of this, I begin to feel like a horrible person. After all, I defend Arkansas all over the U. S. when people make fun of Bill Clinton’s home state. Although Texas and Oklahoma are clearly the winners here, I’ll continue to pay that high Arkansas-state income tax with a smile on my face; I’ll faithfully save for my future-children’s private-high school education; and I’ll cheer for the doomed Hogs as they willingly enter into an eight year football contract with Texas A & M. It’s a pride for Arkansas that is unexplainable. Tiger Lily to Arkansas.

Lily-less

2009-06-26T12:43:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite past-times is blogging- both reading and writing. I love it when I get a really good idea for a post and get exited when I open my Google Reader and have a menu of entries awaiting me. However, with the onset of the heat, a back-breaking schedule of school, work, travel and more work, I haven't really found any Lily-inspiration lately.

I'm Lily-less.

I'm not motivated to blog about Michael Jackson. It's only proper to make fun of someone when they're alive.

I don't want to point to the Iranian conflict and say "I told you so" to all of the readers out there that commented on my "Tweet Resistance" saying that Twitter is a fad, so I won't.

I considered blogging about the U.S. Open and Bethpage Black. But with Rocco, Tiger and Ernie all out of it there was no use. I need more excitement like a play-off, not a rain delay.

I need inspiration. I need time off. I need the air conditioner pumped up to the next level.

Miss Appointments

2009-06-11T14:25:00.009-05:00

She fought tooth and nail for her rights to free speech while defying the pageant tradition of touting world peace and vowing to help starving children. She defended those racy photos where the photographer accidentally took picture after picture of her boobs. She pleaded with Donald Trump to save her Miss California crown, and now after all that controversy is behind her, Carrie Prejean has a blond moment. She forgets to go to her Miss California appointments. Trump was not as forgiving this time, and she was fired.

I am not only giving Miss X-California a Tiger Lily, but I am here to say that I am now officially irritated with her. Let's just run down her moments of brilliance from the last few months:

Statement against same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant: My reaction—So what, free speech. She should, however, be prepared to lose the Miss USA competition even if it’s not fair.

Nude pictures that were an “accident”: My reaction—Liar. An accident? Right. Especially because she changed her story when more pictures surfaced on TMZ.com that were obviously not an accident. She quickly pulled the, “I’m not perfect” card. Close call, Carrie! You should be thanking your lucky-porn stars that the men on the evaluation committee allowed you to keep your crown.

I can just imagine how that meeting with Trump went:

Trump: “Well Carrie, I can see by these pictures that you didn’t mean to pose nude. (wink, wink) My wife, who is also a model, is constantly having accidental nude pictures taken. You can keep your crown.” (Taps her on the butt.)

Accepting pageant-funded fake boobs: My reaction—who cares, tons of people have fake boobs that were given to them by people who now regret footing the bill.

Not appearing at her Miss California appointments: My reaction—totally ridiculous. After being scrutinized, criticized and demoralized on national television, you don’t bother to show up to work. Nice.

Carrie had such potential for a positive Tiger Lily. She could have received what would have been a Tiger Lily for being a fantastically outspoken beauty contestant who spoke her mind no matter what the consequences. But now, thanks to her lack of attendance, my Tiger Lily is awarded to the Beauty Queen that that made just one too many mistakes.

This Tiger Lily is dedicated to a friend that is one of my most loyal blog followers and just happens to be an x- killer-smart beauty contestant. She’s beautiful, poised and shows up to work on time.

Tweet Resistance

2009-05-26T15:37:00.007-05:00

I am a huge proponent of all the new social media. Facebook is something that I've come to love and use every day. I joined Twitter a few months ago and obviously, I have my own blog. It is my goal to be uber-connected and cutting-edge. (I'm fighting the impending "out of touch" label that accompanies a 30th birthday.) My tweets feed to my Facebook and to my blog. My website connects you to my virtual portfolio then back to my blog. I have a wiki that explains what an RSS feed is and how to use it-- and my RSS feed is built within my Gmail account where I get Facebook updates. As soon as I can afford a video camera, I'll be posting my own videos on YouTube instead of just watching them. Not to mention Flickr.

To my surprise, there are many people out there that are resisting this new technology. They refuse to join Facebook, let alone actually post a status update. They make fun of the Twitter tweets and cling on to email like it's really something progressive. I actually had a friend that asked me over lunch: "What's a blog?" I couldn't hide my horror.

Let's just review a few of the great things in life that people resisted in such a manner:

Elvis and the Beatles
Women's Rights and the abolition of slavery
Television, computers, cell phones and email

It's inevitable. This new technology is here to stay and much like the good 'ole computer, I think we'll be seeing more of the same. If you refuse to catch on now, you'll be so confused in 2015 that you'll be asking your 7 year-old to explain things to you. (Sound familiar to anyone that has shown their mom or dad how to work the DVD player lately, for the 40th time?) This is not just a passing fad like disco, it's more like the automobile-- it's changing the way we live.

One of the largest sources of information on the web is a wiki-- this means that the users are driving the content. CNN and Fox update the news through a series of blogs. John Mayer announces his relationship status via Twitter and even Michelle Obama updates her Facebook page. Please, if Oprah, in her infinite wisdom has joined Twitter, why are you resisting?

In fact, I would bet my next pay check that although you may have stonewalled Facebook and Twitter, you're already indulging in some of this new technology. I'm sure you've read an online customer review before you made your latest purchase from Target, Amazon or Zappos. Or, you've watched a YouTube video lately and passed it along to a friend. (Why is it that those that are dragging their feet with social media have seemed to really embrace the forward? Oh how I wish that would become extinct.)

So kudos to those of you that are on board. And for those of you that aren't, the time was yesterday. Look at it as liberation from being "fed" information from companies and news channels. Instead, real people, just like you and me, are giving you the news, the product reviews and a real look at Dominoes Pizza. And bonus, you get to keep up with your 100 friends from college that you don't have time to talk to over the phone.

Tiger Lily to those of you make fun of those tweets. The joke's on you. Things are changing and you're getting left behind.

Special thanks to Stone Ward SWIM for inspiring my technology Tiger Lily. If you are interested in getting up-to-date, check out the link.

Tiger Lily to Angst-- Sallinger Style

2009-05-14T11:35:00.010-05:00

“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them. They’re quite touchy about anything like that, especially my father.”

Roller Derby and the Deasons

2009-04-21T16:28:00.034-05:00

On Saturday April 11th, I lost my Roller-Derby virginity in Tallahassee, Florida. (Please be warned, if you are going to be offended by sexual references, than this is not the post for you. And if you are easily offended but read on anyway- you can join me in accepting this particular Tiger Lily. I am awarding this one to myself.)

Matt and I went to visit my sister and her family over Easter weekend. My niece, five years old, spent much of the weekend playing with her Hannah Montana guitar. She serenaded us with The Best of Both Worlds all weekend which, ironically, is the best way to describe our visit. In the first world, we celebrated the holiest weekend in the entire Christian calendar. We shared jellybeans from the kids' Easter baskets, and even went to the Circus. In the second world, we went to the Roller Derby.

Let's back up. A few days before we flew down to Tallahassee, my sister called me to make sure that Matt and I would like to go to the Roller Derby before she purchased tickets. Obviously I was confused, because at first, I was under the impression that I would have to strap on some roller-blades and join in. My sister quickly assured me that I was not Roller Derby material and that we would be spectators only. Well, as you might have guessed, I was relieved and told her that we would love to go.

Now fast forward to Saturday night. Southern Discomfort (the name of the tournament we attended) started at 5:30 p.m. The actual match didn't actually start until 7:00, but the doors opened at 5:30 for us to claim our seats. We put our lawn chairs as close to the ensuing blood-shed as possible and went back outside the gates. I had on my new GAP t-shirt, matching bracelet with a cute little star charm and a preppy little white hoodie in case I got cold. I encouraged Matt to wear his khaki t-shirt with the pink piping, also from the GAP. He told me that he was worried he might look a little feminine and I assured him that he looked great. Obviously, I had no idea.

Back outside the gates, everyone enjoyed a few home-brought beers. I decided to hold out until I could get back inside, hoping they might be serving white wine, or at the least, margaritas, since I don't really drink beer. But as our tailgating came to an end, and we lined up to go back inside, I began to get the feeling that I didn't really have a good idea of what was about to happen-- and that I probably wouldn't be getting that glass of wine. I also began to notice that many of the soon-to-be spectators were wearing a lot of black, sporting some pretty cool tattoos and piercings and many had on "The Cure" t-shirts.

And then I saw them. The Roller Derby Girls. We had just rounded the corner where we could see the inside of Fairgrounds Building 2 where they had set up the make-shift roller-rink. Bitchie Cunningham skated right past me. She is the co-captain of "Capital Punishment," the name of the Tallahassee Roller Derby team. Her co-captain, The Great Wall of Gina, was close behind joking with Robin Cradles. They were dressed in fish-net hose, panties, helmets and knee pads. They looked pretty tough. Feeling a little GAPish, I pulled my hoodie a little closer.

We took our seats directly behind the Jacksonville Roller Girl's bench. Quite a seat, because I was close enough to read Anita HardOne's helmet sticker that said, "I Love Porn" and got to see Jenna Talls ice her butt after a bad spill. This was a treat because, like most of the Roller Girls, Jenna just had panties on over her fish-nets and let me tell you-- she has a great butt.

It only took me watching the girls skate one or two times around the rink before I understood the game. Each team has one Jammer and it is her job to score. They score by getting in front of the other team's Jammer. The "pack" of Blockers and Pivots take off a few seconds before the two Jammers to make scoring a little harder. The Blockers slam you into the wall and I still don't know what the Pivots do. But what I do know is this: Roller Derby girls are hard-core and I wouldn't want to make one of them mad. For instance, one Blocker, I think her name was Tackle Boxxx, had a little skirt on that said, "Talk Shit. Get Hit." She meant it. And I was hooked.

Capital Punishment beat the Jacksonville Roller Girls after three (or was it four?) periods of hard-fought jamming. I was having so much fun that I almost joined in with the crowd as they began yelling for one of the skaters, "Go Fat Ass Bitch!" In fact, I would have had the time of my life if only the toilets at the fairgrounds had been flushing. When I realized that my drink choices were beer or jack-and-coke, I went for a few of the latter and quickly needed more than one restroom break. Let's just say, the no-flushing was just a little outside of my comfort zone and I decided to hold it.

Thanks to my naivety, needing to pee really bad most of the night and the GAP outfits I dressed us in, I award myself a Tiger Lily for my inaugural Roller Derby. I'm on the hunt for the next Little Rock Roller Derby where I will mentally award a Tiger Lily to the "me" in the crowd. She will be so easy to pick out.

Sacred Queen and First Lady Embrace

2009-04-02T13:01:00.012-05:00

First, I'd like to start with a few of my observations about the British culture:

My limited experience with the British* has lead me to believe that their culture encourages people to be sensational. And by sensational, I mean their sensational reaction to everyday life. Every story is a "big" story. Every relationship is steamy. Each crime is horrendous and the most outrageous of all mankind. Every person is destined for greatness and has a hidden talent just waiting to bloom.

I have also found that the British culture finds humor in silliness. Just take a look at some of the most brilliant British comedy out there, the (original) Office, Monty Python, Mr. Bean, Bridget Jones Diary: it's all a little bit silly. Sarcasm might even have to pack its bags and come back to America straight-away. It has no place across the pond.

Also, in the British culture, there are no "regular" people, are there? It's just one amazing, astonishing story after another. With loads of amazing stuff happening all around you every day, there is no way to be bored, sad or unsatisfied; instead, you are just constantly entertained.

And maybe that's just it, entertainment. This is a culture that wants to be entertained. Couple this need for sensational entertainment with their fascination with royalty and celebrity, and you get the following breaking news story: (I've edited some of the story out, but for the full story, go to: Did Michelle Obama break royal protocol by giving the Queen a hug?)

America's First Lady Michelle Obama broke royal protocol during
a reception at Buckingham Palace when she placed her arm around the Queen.

But rather than take offence, Her Majesty took the unusual step of returning the gesture by putting her arm round Mrs Obama's waist...
One said: '...The Queen started chatting to Michelle Obama. She appeared to look up at her and make a comment about how tall she was.

'As she did, she put her arm around Mrs Obama and rested her gloved hand on the small of her back.'

Almost simultaneously, Mrs Obama put her arm around the Queen's shoulders rather more firmly.

'The pair then looked at their feet and appeared to be discussing their shoes.

'The Queen then dropped her arm and, a few seconds later, Michelle did the same. The entire exchange lasted around eight to ten seconds but was absolutely extraordinary.'

No-one - including the ladies-in-waiting standing nearby - could believe their eyes. In 57 years, the Queen has never been seen to make that kind of gesture and it is certainly against all protocol to touch her.

How "absolutely extraordinary"! Perhaps all of the news of failing companies, lost investments, rising energy costs, and bailout negotiations have left the British media scrambling for a more entertaining and touching story. Well, Cheers! and Tiger Lily to the British. (Although I must note that CNN carried the same touching story this morning, just a little less sensational.)

*(In the sensational-style of the British I would like to note:) I am an expert in British culture. Having lived there for four weeks in college and visited almost two whole times, I have a firm grip on the ins-and-outs of British life. Moreover, I religiously follow the British celebrities in People like Jude Law and Kate Winslet, and they're British, aren't they?

Smart Republicans Catch Democrats Again

2009-03-25T14:32:00.025-05:00

I normally don't pass these along, but I found this so SHOCKING!!! Please forward this to all of your friends and family. (Tiger Lilish enough that I had to pass it along.)
_______________________________________________

My aunt works in the Mayor's office in Alameda, California. She is the receptionist for the city's Director of Marketing who's son has been serving as Nancy Pelosi's Page in the House of Representatives this Spring. Last week Nancy Pelosi fired the House Page on the spot, when she found out that the young man had been nosing around in her personal files. He intended to be a whistle blower, but Pelosi quickly fired him and sent him packing. The following is the first-hand account from the fired Page, who has asked everyone to pass this along, for the sake of the United States of America.

"Hello to everyone who receives this email and to those of you especially who have been blinded by our new Democratic leadership. I am emailing to inform you of the wasteful, dishonest and treasonous information I found in Nancy Pelosi's office last week. I am a high school junior, and was serving as a Page in the House of Representatives when I found this information. Somehow, Pelosi found out that I had seen these "CONFIDENTIAL" files and fired me before I could report her to the Sargent at Arms.

I found a letter, sent to Nancy Pelosi by Congressman Barney Frank of Massachusetts, which outlined a plan to include some pork-barrel legislation in the up-coming stimulus package that would help fund a certain "Special Alien Search Party."

Frank indicated that Senator Christopher Dodd assured him that the Senate would overlook such pork-barrel funding when the Senate reviewed the stimulus bill that following week. Apparently, this "Special Alien Search Party" legislation would allow $500 million dollars of tax payer's money to be collected and dispersed to an actual group of extraterrestrial aliens, (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) who believes that one of their ruler's ships crashed near Area 54 in Roswell, New Mexico about 50 years ago.

Because the aliens don't want to have to get a job to raise the money they will need to fund the expedition, Pelosi and Frank are working to get them the funding for all of the investigative equipment. The producers of CBS's hit show, Crime Scene Investigators- Miami, are also in on the alien-funding, hoping to get an exclusive interview with the search party to use in their season finale.

Obama was next on the list to contact, although Frank warned Pelosi that because Obama is really from Iran and has family there, that he would not be behind any more alien pork-barrel funding, but instead would only support pork-barrel legislation that made Arabic the official language of the U.S.

What's worse, is that I found a letter drafted by Pelosi back to Frank indicating that she would find a way to word the legislation so that our hard-earned Social Security dollars would be used to fund this alien expedition."

Please pass this on to at least eight people that you know and trust. DON'T BREAK THIS PATRIOTIC CHAIN. If you do, who knows how much more idiocy will go on in Washington while the Democrats waste our money?
______________________________________________

If you can see the angel's wings flapping below, you also probably thought this was a real email*, and deserve a Tiger Lily--along will all the Crazies out there that write them and get us to pass them along. And Tiger Lily to those of you that are so politically charged that you would believe anything you read about Pelosi, Frank or Obama-- and then post it on Facebook.

*For people that are so smart we (yes, myself included) really do pass on a lot of garbage through email, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and other Internet applications. This post was sparked by a pretty legitimate- looking email forwarded to me by my mother-in-law last night. If my brother-in-law hadn't sent me a link to Snopes, I would have forwarded it to my whole address book.

UALR Master's Level Professional Writers Receive Tiger Lily

2009-03-10T21:07:00.007-05:00

The writers et al at The Tiger Lilies Blog-Spot are currently engaged in an empirical research project at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. The following is a summary of that research project.

Methods: Tiger Lilies Blog-Spot Contributors decided to immerse themselves in the Master's Program for Professional and Technical Writing at UALR. They followed 2% of students in the program that write professionally (n=1) and now report on their perception of the degree program. UALR is a four-year university in the heart of Little Rock, Arkansas. Some students live on campus, while a great majority of students commute to campus and work part-time or full-time.

Objective: The survey looks at these "budding" professional writers and seeks to answer the following questions: 1. What are their professional goals to be realized through this degree program? 2. Where are they currently working and where do they plan to work after graduation? 3. Where their goals realized? 4. What does the future hold for this degree program in light of the down-turn in the economy?

Please Note: This survey is on-going and these are just the findings at this stage in the project.

When the students started the degree program in January of 2008, their goals were as follows:

Learn and master certain writing genres including: Grant writing, HTML/CSS writing, persuasive writing in a business setting-specifically proposal writing, feature-story writing
Obtain advanced editing skills
Obtain experience (and most importantly) samples for a portfolio through relevant internships
Make contacts needed to obtain work as a free-lance writer in a technical or non-fiction capacity

Here are the top observations our Tiger Lily Blog-Spot Contributors made about the UALR Professional and Technical Writing Master's Degree Program: (Some of these observations shed light into the reality of the program that bear a stark contrast to the goals set by the students followed in this study.)

1. Profile of Students in Program:

Many of the students in this program are unemployed, professional students. Many.
The majority of the students in this program are teachers-- who plan to teach students to write.
2% of the students (the students followed closely in this empirical study) currently write for a living and go to school part-time.

2. Synopsis of Courses Offered:

The courses offered for the professional students and teachers are offered at night.
The courses designed to aid the 2% of students that write for a living are offered during regular business hours.
The required curriculum includes: Rhetorical Theory, Composition Theory, Language Theory and Technical Theory. (All courses on the theory of writing)
The elective courses that are only offered in limited quantity include: Document Design, HTML/CSS writing and Grant Writing. (All courses on how to actually write)

3. #1 Question asked by Professors to 2% of Students with Writing Careers:

"If you're not going to teach after you receive your Master's Degree, what are you going to do with your Professional and Technical Writing Degree?"

4. #1 Question asked by Current Employers of 2% of Students with Writing Careers:

"What is Professional and Technical Writing?"

5. #1 Question asked by 2% of Students with Writing Careers (and answer given by Professor):

Student: "Can I substitute an "elective" course like -Grant Writing- for one of my "Theory" courses?
Professor: "Probably not, because you need the theory class in order to teach."

6. The 2% of students who write professionally are actually paying full tuition for this degree.

The writers at the Tiger Lily Blog-Spot admit to the Review Board that they are only 2/3 of the way complete with their investigation. They still have 12 hours of investigation left after the completion of this semester. However, with these preliminary findings, the writers et al have come to the following conclusions:

Conclusions: These observations have led the Tiger Lily Blog-Spot Contributors to believe that, in light of the current economic crisis we are facing in the United States, and in light of the previously mentioned observations, this degree program should be part of Barack Obama's stimulus package. Like many of the other recipient-programs of this stimulus, the Master's Degree in Professional and Technical Writing from UALR, is clearly, based on these findings, an economic stimulus as defined by the President.

And as an added and appropriate bonus, all graduates of this degree should receive a special stimulus Tiger Lily for all of their hard work and money spent.

Notes on the Research: This research study was written during an excruciatingly long and unnecessary session of Composition Theory. These findings may have been exaggerated due to the Tiger Lily Blog-Spot Contributors' close proximity to Complete Insanity.

Grandad

2009-03-06T15:17:00.006-06:00

A quick note: I spell Grandad with one "d" in the middle. I've always been a marginal speller and this is how I've always done it! Sorry to you two-"d" spellers out there.

George F. Robie, my last living grandparent, past away last Wednesday at 92. He will surely be missed by everyone in his family and anyone he met along the way. Grandad is without a doubt, one of the best Christian men I have ever been privileged to know. He had a faith that has made its mark on my entire family.

He was a paratrooper in World War II, and made 13 jumps in his career, one into enemy territory right before D-Day. He met my grandmother on a blind date while in the service and he worked for Phillips Petroleum for his entire career. He was an engineer with pack-rat tendencies and impeccable organizational skills. He was a great card player, musician and wonderful grandfather.

Because he is the one grandparent that I knew as an adult, I have many memories of him, and honestly, not one bad one in the bunch. I thought I could write a few down-- some that I share with my seven cousins and brother and sister and some that are probably unique for me and Grandad.

1. I remember Grandad reading me a Raggedy Ann and Andy book where they took a boat through a spooky place. Maybe I'm combining two books because I can't find this particular one, but I remember that Grandad's reading "voice" was very deep and that he and my mom read stories in the same way.

2. I remember sending him "pen-pal" letters when we moved away to Houston. He would correct my letters with a red pen and send them back to me with his reply. We traded letters for many years, and I can remember his distinct, very neat handwriting that accompanied each one.

3. Around the dinner table in his green kitchen, I remember him telling us in his "Julia Child" voice how he had prepared dinner that evening. (Although my grandmother always prepared the dinner.)

4. I can see him peeling an orange with his pocket knife right now. He taught me how to do this over a game of checkers.

5. Endless games of Gin-Rummy. Much like Gina, I remember specifically one night, sitting on the baseball ottoman facing him, perched in his orange tower-of-a-chair, and I didn't win a single hand. No mercy-- but I got better. Then, I remember him falling asleep during some of our games at the nursing home, and him still beating me.

6. Playing the piano. He taught me (and probably a few others) to play chop-sticks and had a special accompaniment that he played so that we could entertain our parents with a duet. Also, he would let us bang out a few high-notes to punctuate the end of his songs.

7. Coming to my high school and college graduation-- and my wedding. The only grandparent I had at any of those events.

8. Singing "Boomer Sooner" with him and talking to him about life at OU-- He is my only relative to attend OU and graduated in 1939. We talked a lot about his time as a Delt and his time in the University singing group. Because I was a Theta, he told me that he only really had one Theta friend, named Rose-- who wasn't very attractive, but he thought she liked him quite a bit.

9. Gal-Dern.

10. I know this isn't a Grandad memory specifically, but it's a tribute to him. I had the opportunity to be with him the last few days of his life in the nursing home here in Little Rock. During that time, he had a number of nurses and aids come visit him in his room--(everyone up there always told me how much they liked him.) As I was leaving him one evening, one of his nurses, Charlotte, who is normally very friendly, kept her back to me. I told her goodbye as I got on the elevator and she turned around and had been crying. She said that this was going to be hard for her, too and that she would miss him.

I will miss him for a while until I can see him again.

Love you Grandad. A special Tiger Lily just for you!

A Citizen's Arrest

2009-02-24T15:30:00.004-06:00

According to TMZ.com, Nikki Hilton put a "male transient"/(my translation:) homeless man under "Citizen's Arrest" yesterday for "battery"/(my translation:) bumping into her outside of an IHOP Restaurant in West Hollywood.

"I place you under Citizen's Arrest!" she yelled. She then held the suspect at bay until the real police arrived.

Then the guy was for real arrested.

This got me to thinking how much I like the idea of "Citizen's Arrest." It sounds so serious, and yet, it carries no weight. How Tiger Lily.

Thanks to Nikki Hilton, I'm bringing back the Citizen's Arrest. I can't really remember the last time I used this phrase, probably because it was when my life was still in the single-digit range, but none-the-less, I can't wait to use it again.

Here's what I'm thinking for a Citizen's Arrest... I will place people under Citizen's Arrest if they break one of my laws. These are the violations that are immediately insulting because they are so clearly and utterly wrong. A Citizen's Arrest is merely a reaction to someone's unbelievable behavior.

So be pre-warned. I've brought it back. And I will place you under "Citizen's Arrest" if you violate any of my laws. Here are some examples:

1. If you are not a good merger, you cannot drive during rush-hour.

2. You cannot be a "wet blanket." This includes variations of the said offense, including, but not limited to: dream-killers, party-poopers, non-dancers and especially dieters.

3. You must be a dog-lover. (It's the law.)

4. You should not wear OU clothing unless you actually graduated from the University of Oklahoma in Norman.

5. You have to take all of your vacation days.

6. You should be nice to your mother. And courteous in general. Where has courtesy gone anyway? If you are rude in any way, I will place you under arrest.

7. You should not answer your cell phone in a movie theatre-- if it's an emergency, you should probably leave the theatre anyway. (This is for Jay and Traci)

8. Women-- you should not "leave a trail" in a public restroom. Would you do that in your own home? Unbelievable.

9. Men-- you should just stop spitting-- even if you are outside. Why was that ever okay?

10. You should take personal responsibility in all areas of your life. Obama can't help you out of everything.

Tiger Lily to the Citizen's Arrest.

29

2009-01-19T16:00:00.000-06:00

It's time a number received a Tiger Lily and I've decided that 29 deserves it.

I can remember when my mom was just a little younger than she is now, and when her birthday would roll around, she would jokingly tell people, "I'm going to be 29 again this year!" Wink Wink. The inference was that 29 is young and desirable. With youth comes beauty, happiness and health. This is why women want to stay 29, right? Well, not me.

Desirable as 29 might sound, I'm here to say that I want my 23 back. Or, let's just fast-forward to my 30's. And here's why: 29 is no-man's land. It's not young and it's not old.

At 23, people think you are a baby and they treat you as such. You are allowed to get really drunk and make a fool of yourself, make bad financial decisions, date the wrong people and dye your hair the wrong color. (Anyone remember my bleach-blonde accident in 2002?) At 29, you cannot. You are entering "adulthood" and none of this behavior is acceptable. Yet, if your employer or doctor or parent's friend still wants to call you a "baby" or a "girl" (instead of lady/woman) it's totally acceptable. What?! I'm so confused. Is 29 young or old? You can't have it both ways!

I think that 29 is confusing. For instance:

Social Situations. Should I embrace my youth and party really hard? Or should I be responsible and go in early? This last weekend I attended a formal charity event. There were drinks and dancing. I left feeling torn. Should I have stayed later, had more to drink? Or should I follow the lead of my older co-workers? 14.5 years of me wants to light the table cloth on fire and get crazy on the dance-floor, the other 14.5 years wants me to drink red wine, refuse to dance and talk politics.

Shopping. Maybe I'm imagining things, but I feel "watched" when shopping at Forever21. I think, "She's wondering why I'm looking at these leggings. Am I too old to wear these? Should I fake a laugh, roll my eyes and put it back on the shelf?" Then there's the opposite experience in Ann Taylor. I feel the need to dress up and make sure the sales lady sees my wedding ring. Can I buy something other than business clothes here? Or am I too young to go with this pair of Capri pants? Are Capri pants even "in" anymore?

At they gym. I find that my body will no longer obey my workout demands and it's getting harder and harder to maintain an acceptable pace on the treadmill. But, I'm still "young." I'm 29! So my body should look great. What a horrible position 29 has put me in.

Children. At 29 I'm either supposed to have some and be motherly, or not have any and be prepared to defend their absence. In fact, at 29, you are expected to talk to anyone who asks you about your decisions to have, or not to have children. 29 requires it, like it or not. It is the right of people not your age to ask.

At work. It's time for you to have a "career." You can't be figuring things out, trying new things. You have to pick something-- and God forbid you picked the wrong thing at 23, because now you're stuck. If you decide to change your career now or take a step down to fulfill your dreams be prepared for raised eyebrows and whispers. Not fair 29! I want to be on American Idol too!

Each day of my 29th year will be tough because of the aforementioned situations. Although I will say that this juxtaposition of young and old has given me a strange longing for 30. While most of my friends will fear the onslaught of this mile-stone birthday, I will embrace it. It's old! Finally.

Tiger Lily to 29.

Good Hair and Bad Behavior

2008-12-19T15:41:00.000-06:00

I know I've blogged quite a bit about appearance, from Sarah Palin's glasses to Oprah's affinity for the Dove campaign... but I am here to say that I can recognize that beauty is often only skin deep.

In fact, I have a new theory to pass along to the blogosphere, and it's merely an extension on the idea that beauty is only skin deep. My theory is: "If a man has a full head of hair, he's up to no good." It is a theory that is full of Tiger Lily potential: A full head of hair = a lack of character. Here's what I'd like to show as my evidence:

Blagojevich. Wire tapping accuses Rod of selling Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. His reply, "I will fight this, I will fight this, I will fight this." He gets away with everything; he has good hair. Who can blame him for being defiant?

Clinton. He did not have sexual relations with that woman; he's got such great hair, he's just can't help it. There must be a reason people called him "Slick Willy."

John Edwards. Just too beautiful and smiley. He was so good-looking and suave, I knew something wasn't right.

Tim Tebow-- I don't know why, maybe because I'm an Oklahoma fan, but I really feel like something is off with Tim, and we know it's not his hair. He's just too perfect. Mark my words. Goodbye Gators, hello NFL and all the no-good possibilities.

Madoff. Now, I know this is a stretch, but look at how he is growing out his hair in the back. He must know the advantage of good hair and has decided to grow it out for his trial.

Maybe this is just a coincidence, or maybe we should start being weary of men with good hair. I'm just reporting my theory. And much like my theory that the odd numbered years are better than the even numbered ones, (yahoo! here comes 2009) there will be exceptions to the rule. Maybe it's just a coincidence that all of these "bad boys" have such great hair. But maybe not. Tiger Lily to good hair. It just brings about bad behavior.

Irreplaceable?... I think not.

2008-11-17T13:32:00.000-06:00

Move over Beyoncé, here comes Sasha Fierce.

For those of you that don't know, I feel in love with Beyoncé Knowles on my Honeymoon, November 2006. (She is second only to my one true love, Elvis, not counting Matt.) Between sitting at the beach, eating ice cream and lounging by the pool, I found some time to watch a video-countdown where I was introduced to the Number #1 Hit Song: "Irreplaceable." I immediately became a huge Beyoncé fan, bought her album, put "Bootylicious" on my ipod and even rented "Dream Girls."

Following our introduction, I became an admirer of her coolness. She had style, she kept her private life private, and she dated Jay-Z, who with, coincidentally, I share a birthday. I followed her every move through People and was so excited when those two crazy kids got married! It was a beautiful ceremony where she asked all of the guests to wear white-- ultra style points to B.

Then, this past Saturday night, I cozied into bed a a little later than planned, realizing that I was missing Saturday Night Live where Beyoncé would be the guest musician. I only caught her last song performance, but I felt like maybe I was missing something. Maybe in the introduction, she explained why she was wearing a Rockette-swimsuit outfit. Maybe she explained why one of her back-up dancers was painfully white and had no rhythm. Maybe she explained why the "new" song, "Single Ladies. (Put a Ring on It)" sounded just like five of her other songs from the B-Day album with different words. I turned off the set and went to bed, confused and a little worried about her lack of taste and judgement.

(The outfits look just like this, without the hat. To get a better idea, you'll have to watch the hilarious spoof SNL did of her "Single Ladies" video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TegjiG2mrzI)

But, like all of us who are in love, I let it slip my mind and went on to church the next day without giving it another thought.

Then, Monday morning, I got the text message from my friend, Carrie: "Beyoncé has a new alter ego named Sasha Fierce. Watch out. Just thought since she was your hero, you should know."

Devastated. Apparently, when I wasn't paying attention, Beyoncé decided to release the album, "I Am... Sasha Fierce," which debuts tomorrow. She explained to NBC that Sasha is her alter ego that is more fun, more sensual, more aggressive. How could she go Garth Brooks on me? After I was so loyal? I even paid money to see Dream Girls! Tiger Lily to Beyoncé, or Sasha, or whatever. Right, Irreplaceable.

If she can't bounce back from this, I might have to find a new super-star to obsess about. Rihanna is dating Chris Brown and she has a poodle. She would be a good rebound.

Ok, so let's be real. I'm buying Sasha's album tomorrow. I dedicate this TL to Carrie. Thanks for the heads-up.

Non-Lily Blog Tagging

2008-11-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

My sister blog tagged me, and because I'm always game to talk about myself, I gladly accept!

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you (Reagan's blog, "Controlled Chaos" is already linked on my site )
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write six random thoughts about yourself
4. Tag six people at the end of your post
5. Let each person know he/she has been tagged
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted

Six random things about me: (Keeping with some of the question's themes from previous blog-tags)

1. I don't like beer at all but will drink it to be cool. For instance, I will have a beer at a sports bar if no one else will join me with something different. (I'd rather have a glass of wine any day!)
2. I am a sugar-aholic and go through phases with candy-obsessions. Right now, I'm on junior mints.
3. I love, and will wear my pink lipstick whether it's in style or not.
4. My husband is a better cook than me. Although this is no revelation.
5. I'm a pro-napper and could sleep at any time of day without missing a wink later that night.
6. I have three recurring dreams: 1. running line-drills for Coach Loucks, having too much bubble-gum in my mouth, choking on it and pulling it out, and one where I can swim through the air, breast-stroke style.

Ok, so I blog tag:
Jessica Linville
Meredith Porbeck
Kerry Boulware
(Do I have to ask 6, I don't know anyone else who would want to do it!)

Planning without the Plan

2008-11-13T14:53:00.001-06:00

(Just because I needed a picture and I just love Mad Men.)

In the last few weeks, I have really been evaluating my plans for 2009. I've been thinking a lot about my family, my career and even what television shows will be on the horizon and subsequently on our DVR. Being a planner, I don't wait until late December, it's just too late to map out a course, and I've never been one to procrastinate.

What dawned on me this week is that "planning" and "the plan" don't really go hand-in-hand. Instead, things are really out of your control. Honestly, for all of my planning, how could I have possibly planned for my 2008?:

First, I changed jobs. I now work at an advertising agency, leaving a sales career behind.
I attended my 10-year high school reunion.
I changed my email address. This is huge for me, and so, it makes the list. Abandoning RLSooner and moving forward with a more grown-up, name/last name email address was my official inauguration into adult-career-hood.
I've gone back to school part-time.
I've traveled to New Orleans, Atlanta, Tallahassee, Chicago, Napa Valley, Kansas City, and Hawaii.
I put my foot in my mouth a number of times.
I watched and became enamored with the first two seasons of Mad Men.
I joined facebook, started a blog, and became addicted to a blackberry.

So my new plan (because once a planner, always a planner) is to try and be organized, have a purpose that is bigger than all of this, and see what happens.

Tiger Lily to planning, because it's just an exercise in organization that has nothing to do with the actual "plan." I'm pretty sure that Someone Else has things securely under control.

Rude and Oblivious. A double-whammy.

2008-11-11T15:15:00.000-06:00

(If this sign could just spontaneously pop-up out of thin air up at the appropriate time!)

I've been traveling a lot lately and really enjoyed the post that my sister-in-law provided on my brother's blog, "Something Clever." She outlines the many things that bug her about traveling.

Please read her post, it's hilarious and you'll get worked up even reading the list.

It got me thinking that, I too am annoyed at people's rude behavior that is sometimes just plain annoying. My biggest complaint from my recent travels includes people talking at volume level 15 (on a scale of 1-10) on their cell phones. You know these people. You are sitting, say, in an airport coffee shop or searching for the next issue of People to accompany you on a flight, and the digitized version of "My Humps" blairs out from a fellow-customer's cell phone. She answers.

You are then treated to your fellow-customer's 10 minute exchange about who they saw at the party last night, what time their flight will land, how many times they've gone to the bathroom that day. It's crazy. And what is most annoying about the whole thing, is that they have no idea that anyone else is annoyed. They are having a blast talking to their friends and co-workers and don't have a clue that they are being rude.

So, this leads me to an article I read on CNN's website today, "Are you rude? Maybe you should think again." This article showcased a recent episode of Oprah. Our all-knowing, mother-of-everything-good, expert in every field of spirituality and reason, Oprah, talked to Jerry Sienfleld about his biggest pet peeve-- a lack of civility.

While Oprah reports that 80% of Americans say that rudeness is a national problem, 99% of those people who took the survey said that they are never rude. Tiger Lily. People think that being rude is a problem and they don't even recognize that they are being rude. It's rude, people!

Because I am so easily annoyed by others, I went to Oprah's site to take the quiz, Are You Rude? I'll be honest and say that I probably didn't score in the realm reserved for Mother Teresa. Instead, I was guilty of quite a few of my own acts of rudeness. Some of which include:

1. Talking on the phone while someone is serving me. (Think about when you get groceries.)
2. Interrupting a face-to-face conversation with a non-urgent cell phone call.

3. Typing an email while talking on the phone. (I at least try to make it where the caller can't hear the clicks...)

4. Guilty. But she's a small dog!

Those are just some examples. Please don't take this opportunity to point out my particular rude offenses, but feel free to add to the list of rude behaviors. Maybe we can just raise awareness. Knowing is half the battle. Tiger Lily to rude people who are totally oblivious sometimes. Myself included.

Four Eyes

2008-10-09T14:11:00.000-05:00

With all the buzz around Sarah Palin's glasses, I decided that I would like to share some of my own observations about cool eye-wear. I want to preface my entry by saying that this is not a political blog, and I just want to discuss the glasses!

What intrigues me, is that Sarah Palin is the only person in history to wear cool glasses, and people still think she is dumb. Tiger Lily. I have never before encountered such a phenomenon. Much like a British accent, glasses make people smarter, nerdier, more brilliant, more creative. For example:

1. Benjamin Franklin glasses. Isn't he the one that invented bi-focals? Electricity? The United States... something like that, but really smart.

2. The "coke-bottle" glasses. These glasses are worn by a skinny kid and are probably broken in the middle, held together with a piece of white tape . You know this kid is a nerd. And by nerd, I mean rocket-scientist later in life.

3. The 1950's glasses. You know the ones. Every grandad had a pair. Even the smarty pants lawyer in JFK wore them.

4. Librarian glasses. These are probably bifocals and are worn on the tip of the nose. Not only is this librarian smart, but she is mean. This might be a thought for Palin...

5. Tina Fey glasses. She may be the person that made glasses chic. She wasn't necessarily a nerd, but you thought her comedy writing was that much wittier when she delivered her 'Weekend Updates' from behind these stylish specs.

6. Ad guy's glasses: I work in an ad agency and I noticed at a conference in Kansas City two weeks ago that all the agency's owners and creative directors wore cool glasses. Without them, you might have thought they were bankers. With them, Ta-Da!-- creative genius. I bet this guy's in advertising.

Now enter Sarah Palin glasses. They just haven't had the same smartening effect that so many other trusted spectacles have in the past. Maybe she should try a British accent. Tiger Lily to Sarah Palin's glasses.

Little Rock Traffic Engineers

2008-09-18T09:21:00.001-05:00

No, this is not a picture of the digital traffic boards recently erected in Little Rock. But they might as well be in Chinese.

It has been a while since I've posted, mainly because work has been a little busy, school has revved back up, the new fall fashions are out and football season is in full swing! This brings me to the latest Tiger Lily.

A few months ago, the metropolis of Little Rock erected 3 new digital traffic boards on our Interstate 630 thoroughfare, which is a whopping 7 miles long. I take 630 every morning and evening to and from work. Well, the Traffic Engineers of our great city decided that it would be a good use of tax payer dollars to put up these 3 digital boards-- and I still haven't quite figured out their real purpose.

At first, I thought, "Oh, these boards will let us know of traffic accidents so that we can choose an alternate route." However, they have never reported any accidents on the board, that I have seen, and even if they did that would be absurd. This strip of highway is only 7 miles long, by the time you reach one of those boards that might tell you there has been an accident, you are already stuck and will probably be past the accident before you find an exit to get off the highway. Ok, so they are not there to report traffic accidents.

Next, I noticed one morning that the boards were flashing, "Ozone Action Day." What a great idea Little Rock Traffic Engineers! Alert the public to the fact that it is an "Ozone Action Day" to encourage the citizens of Little Rock to carpool, take the bus or ride their bikes. Brilliant, only it's too late. We are already driving to work.

Then I thought, "Ah ha, they will use those digital boards for Arkansas football!" Now for those of you that are not Arkansans, although the Razorbacks call Fayetteville home, they play two games a year in Little Rock. This always jams up the traffic on 630, and although this is something that only happens on 2 of 365 days of the entire year, maybe the Engineers thought that this would be money well spent for Razorback fans. (We are a bit fanatical about those Hogs.) But, alas, the digital boards were not used to direct non-football traffic away from the stadium exit, instead, portable digital boards were brought in while the above mentioned, 3 permanent digital boards were benched. They were turned off that Saturday.

I don't know why this surprises me. I have lived in Little Rock for most of my life and have seen the brilliance of these Little Rock Traffic Engineers. Take the speed humps that they erected in every neighborhood in town to slow down traffic. Yes, I said "humps." This is what the city calls them on their Web site. They are humps because they are much wider than a traditional speed bump. Ironically, I can remember ramping these in high school because they don't exactly do much damage if you take them at high speed.

Then, the Engineers put in a number of "roundabouts" in Pleasant Valley Neighborhood. (After the speed humps did not have their desired effects.) These Little Rock "roundabouts" aren't exactly of London quality. This is because the Engineers did not increase the size of the intersections to create the "roundabouts," but instead placed a big concrete slab right in the middle with a sign that indicated that you had to drive around this concrete slab. You are a skilled driver if you can avoid hitting the curb while navigating these speed-deterrents.

No, I haven't gone "Ron-Paul" but sometimes I wonder why our city government is allowed to make these crazy decisions. Every time I get my paycheck and watch my precious money go to this great state, I start to wonder what it would be like if they had a lot less of our tax dollars to spend? Maybe a land without speed humps, roundabouts and useless, tiger-lilied digital traffic boards.

Longhorn Bull

2008-08-27T09:46:00.000-05:00

Somehow my Longhorn Tiger Lily disappeared the other day. Conspiracy? I worried for a moment that the Big-Brother-Blogger-Moderator might live in Austin. Maybe. But I found it and re-posted.

Just for good measure I'd like to point out something very interesting... even some of the sports writers are calling the Longhorns "flaky."

Ok, I promise to get back to the Tiger Lily's-- this will be my last trash-talking for August.

http://www.bcsfootball.org/cfb/wcStory?contentId=8388646#story=8348812

Eco-Fatigue Update...

2008-08-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

This writer at Advertising Age must have read my Tiger Lily, "The Going Green Fad", and been inspired. I say, "hooray!" to Ms. Jennifer Maxwell-Muir. And Ditto.

Check out her article. Good stuff.

http://adage.com/cmostrategy/article?article_id=130411

Future Longhorns- Little budding Tiger Lilies?

2008-08-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

“Boomer Sooner!” Another hilarious story from the Longhorns, the pride of the state of Texas. Check out this story from a recent cheerleading camp that the Longhorns held on campus earlier this month:

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/yahoolatestnews/stories/080708dntexcheerleaders.1d70ab35.html?npc

For those of you that didn’t click on the link, the short version of the story is this: 26 high school cheerleaders, aged 14-17 at Texas Cheer Camp, decided to squeeze into an elevator—just to see how many people they could fit inside. And surprise! After the elevator descended from the fourth floor to the first, it got stuck. Well, one of the girls fainted and a few others were treated at the scene after one cheerleader was able to wiggle out a cell phone to call for help.

What a brain-trust. I guess there really isn’t safety in numbers after all. But maybe I’m being too hard on the girls. Maybe I’ve just been lucky to avoid such an innocent, adolescent mistake. Maybe it’s just been my claustrophobic tendencies that have kept me safe from such tragedies. Or maybe it’s just common sense. But who can blame these girls?, they were just under the influence of the mighty-wise Longhorns.

One such wise University of Texas Director of Communications, Rhonda Weldon, was quoted as saying, “There are signs everywhere: No more than 15 people or 3,000 pounds. Take the sign seriously.” Ok, so the Director of Communications points out the obvious, thank you Director of Communications. I’m glad the paper called you for a quote. Now, what about the explanation we are all looking for… where were the Camp Counselors? Probably cheering them on, literally.

My favorite part of the whole story is that this all went down, again, both figuratively and literally, in Jester Hall. Oh what a perfect stage for these little fools to play out their parts.

And herein lies the irony. Texas is revered as being one of the best schools in this region and maybe even the nation. A UT Bachelor’s Degree, MBA or Law Degree is held in high regard. Well, I’m here to say that street smarts will out-wit book smarts any day.

This story was just teeming with Tiger Lily possibility, but, because the cheerleaders sadly played into the cheerleader stereotype so well, it didn't seem appropriate to give them an award for a "lovely contradiction." So instead, the Tiger Lily goes to the Director of Communications. Rhonda, it’s a good thing that UT has you to handle these delicate PR situations.

Law & Order = Complete Chaos

2008-08-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

Click the following link before you start reading this, I insist.

http://blog.rickbreslin.com/extras/doink_doink.wav

Now we're ready. I'd like to give a Tiger Lily to Law & Order because it has created complete chaos in my life. Ironic and sad. Thank you Dick Wolf.

My husband has been out of town the last few days which has just intensified my Law & Order compulsion, but to be true, this affair has been going on for quite some time. While my husband finishes up his work at night, I sneak off to the bedroom to watch a few episodes. Not since Harry Potter have I been so obsessed with something meant to be entertaining. But it's my guilty pleasure. I blame the networks for their relentless supply of SVU's and Criminal Intents. Like waves crashing on the shore of my bedroom, they never stop coming. And I can't stop watching. Thank you USA.

I had big plans for this week. Matt would be out of town for three nights and I could do some laundry, go to the grocery store, read a book, get some work done at night without feeling guilty and maybe even go out to dinner with a girlfriend. But I needed a hit. After I dropped Matt off at the airport, I drove home thinking about laundry and Law & Order. They go hand-in-hand.

I would flip on USA and watch one episode. This is what is so wonderful about Law & Order. You don't have to keep up because there aren't any plot lines that extend beyond one program. It's in-and-out. One juicy plot, all unveiled and solved in one hour. Amazing. It's a show that doesn't require setting a DVR. Not to mention that they are on day and night. (Although setting the DVR is a plus, because if you have to get up to go to the bathroom, you can rewind it, not miss a minute--then fast forward through the commercials.)

http://blog.rickbreslin.com/extras/doink_doink.wav

Then one episode turned into two, and two into five. Now it was late at night and Olivia, Elliot and I were settling into bed with my last load of laundry still in the dryer. I hadn't gone to the store to get my usual Sunday load of groceries, but instead settled for a dinner of cereal with some almost-expired milk. Perfect. That's what Elliot would do.

So now my three nights are up, the house is a complete mess, the laundry is still in the dryer and my Love in the Time of Cholera book has yet to be cracked. But the cases were. One right after the other. I can just see Olivia looking at me with that concerned look like she does with the victim that won't report her attacker. In Law & Order's defense, it's a harmless television program that didn't mean to hurt me... it just keeps me up at night worrying that someone is trying to break into my house.

I'm pretty sure Detective Goren would be able to diagnose my addiction pretty quickly and get me to scream out my confession of Law & Order madness in no time. There might even be a syndrome for this one.

Well, I hereby find Law & Order guilty of a Tiger Lily. For something that has "order" in the title, this has really created a huge mess.

http://blog.rickbreslin.com/extras/doink_doink.wav

The Going Green Fad

2008-07-17T14:53:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired of hearing businesses and people say, "We've gone green!" Can someone please define this for me? Because as far as I can tell, anybody can say they've gone green, slap a few spiral light bulbs in the office lamps, and presto-chango, they are environmentally friendly.

Americans seem to be a little hypocritical to me as this energy crisis looms. In fact, I think we're just a nation of hypocritical complainers. As this "green" fad grows, I find it ironic that the people around me, while working at these "green" businesses haven't done much to "green" their own lives. I'm just as guilty-- I'm part of an organization that values this "green" initiative and and I drive my SUV to work and then complain about high gas prices.

So, then I decided that I would not go "green." In fact, I was totally against "green." I'd gone "black." This is the color of oil and I love oil. I was going to drive around town with the a/c on full blast, buy my Diet Dr. Pepper from Sonic-- guiltlessly enjoying my Styrofoam cup, and run the water the entire time I brushed my teeth.

I even went as far as debating these "greenies." In my "going black" mindset, I told one of my good friends that I was tired of hearing people complain and that I was just going to drive my SUV and pay the dad-gum $4-a-gallon. Then I got my hand slapped: she insisted that some people couldn't afford these higher gas prices and that it was hard for the average working man to make ends-meet. Families were having a hard time putting food on the table and this was a serious crisis. Well, I felt bad. I must admit that I live a charmed life with many luxuries and I will be the first to say that I am very fortunate. I quieted down about "going black."

But after a few days and a good dose of CNN's complaining, I started thinking... I wonder what percentage of these people crying about gas prices have cable television? Smoke two packs a day? Eat out for lunch? The problem is, and I'm included, a lot of people expect to continue their live styles without making any sacrifices when the gas prices go up. Instead of "going green" I think we need to "get real." Even if we can afford the gas, maybe we should lower our consumption so that the prices will go down? Or at least just stop complaining! I'm no genius and don't pretend have the answers but I do think that each of us could do something. So I had to ask myself a tough question: What have I been doing in response to this crisis? Nothing.

So I weighed my options:

1. Run for Congress- not independently wealthy, so that's out of the question.

2. Buy a Vespa Scooter. Oooh, what a fun and fashionable option! But the hills in Little Rock and my driving record make this little more than a dream.

3. Carpool- well, I would burn just as much gas picking people up and I don't really want my car to bake in the local park-and-ride.

4. Have my husband take me to work. A chauffeur! Right, I'm sure he would love that.

5. Take the bus. Still the park-and-ride issue, but so far, the best option.

So today, I took the bus to work. Just to see. And I will have to say it was a lot of fun. The sacrifice I'm making is 30 minutes of sleep because it takes that much longer to get to work on the bus than it does for me to drive. However, I love books on tape and I'm sure I could answer a few e-mails on my blackberry during the trip. Maybe it's a lame effort and okay, so I'm only saving $50 a month by taking the bus, but Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

Well, before I get revolutionary, I'll have to remember it's only been one bus ride-- and I haven't even taken the return ride home. But we'll see. Until then, I'm giving "going green" a Tiger Lily until it means something more than a recycle bin and a lot of complaining.

The Club

2008-07-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

This Tiger Lily was inspired by my sister who blogged about music a few days ago. Check it out but be warned if you are a hip-hop music lover that this comes from her vantage point as a mother.

http://rmauk-controlledchaos.blogspot.com/2008/06/music-therapy.html

However, I had to agree with most of her sentiments until she attacked Jay-Z and then I was offended. But her indignation got me thinking about music and inspired my thoughts on the elusive “club.” If you are unfamiliar with "the club" here are a few explanations.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/ defines the “club” as:

“A place for social gatherings, that plays the latest music and encourages dancing and drinking.”

“Place where e’erbody gets tipsy.” (He’s got his fake I.D. so it’s no problem.)

But really, the main source of information about "the club" comes from popular music. This is the first place that really sparked my interest about “the club.” I am a fan of rap music, (I backed my ass up in college as all good sorority girls do) and these clubs sound really amazing. Again, here are a few explanations of what “the club” is, and what happens at “the club”:

Usher explains in his hit song, Love in this Club, that he “wanna make love in this club, yea, make love in this club, yea, in this club, yea, in this club” and so on. He then explains to his girl that he’s “About to hit the club, Make a movie, yeah rated R… on the couch, on the table, on the bar or on the floor.”

(Kim Kardashian. Here's someone who is no stranger to these types of "R" rated movies made with hip-hop artisits.)
In Ray-J’s catchy song, Sexy Can I, his girlfriend works at the club. Ray-J asks his girlfriend “Sexy can I, visit you at work, while you sliding down the pole…I make it rain in the club like Ohh, ohh, ohh.”
Also, please correct me if I’m misinformed, but Justin Timberlake encourages his ladies to get their sexy back in the club: “Come here girl (Go ‘head be gone with it) Come to the back (Go ‘head be gone with it) VIP! (Go ‘head be gone with it) Drinks on me.”

But where are these “clubs”? I’ve certainly never been there. I tried the Piano Bar downtown and it wasn’t really “the club” experience I’d hoped for. The closest I’ve come to finding this “club” was in Cancun Mexico at the ever popular, Coco Bongos.

But I didn’t really see any of this glamorous stuff going on. No one bought me anything I’d like to be sippn’ on. We had arm bracelets that afforded us an endless sampling of their alcohol infused Gatorade. I also didn’t feel like a VIP packed in there with all the sweaty 20-somethings. However I do remember a few Circ De Soleil wanna-be’s doing some acrobatics on a “pole” between the Madonna and Beyonce numbers. But, somehow, I don’t think those are the same poles that Ray-J is talking about.

For the most part, the types of clubs that I’ve encountered have a lot of this going on:

(And I'm sorry if that's your Aunt, but she should be careful not to have her picture taken if she's going to dance like that.) People are getting in fights, doing line dances and drinking long-necks or well drinks. Oh well, the search continues for "the club."

To conclude, I must admit that as my thirties are creepn’ closer, I have really given up the search for “the club.” But, in good club form, I’d like to send a shout out to some of my favorites along the way:

Opie’s-Norman, Oklahoma

The Cowboy- Little Rock, Arkansas

The Thirsty Turtle- somewhere in New Jersey (thanks Pfizer)
Coco Bongo’s- Cancun, Mexico

And a new favorite, confetti and all- Groovy’s- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Tiger Lily to the elusive "club."

Emergency Vet Clinic$

2008-07-05T16:59:00.000-05:00

Now, this is not Greta's failed attempt at a Flashdance costume, it's the legwarmer-leg look of a doggy-hospital patient. Her little hairy legs had to be shaved for the IV's.

Well our Holiday weekend had a little hiccup, to the tune of about $700. And after all the worry, tears and a little bit of anger, here we are with one sick puppy-- literally.

Little Greta (she weighs 4.6 pounds) has been having stomach trouble for about a month. I boarded her for six days when Matt and I went to Napa Valley and she hasn't been healthy since. I could record all of the gory details, but believe me, we've cleaned up a number of things that I'm sure no Resolve, Stanly Steamer or Act of God will ever get out of our carpet. Needless to say, we've been battling this stomach bug for some time.

So fast forward to the Thursday night before Forth of July when I got off work. I came home to find a number of treasures stashed all over the house. Loads of them. Matt informed me that he too had the pleasure of picking up one of her "unfortunates" earlier in the day. Now, although a rational person would conclude, "she's sick" I was beginning to believe that this was normal for a little dog. I picked it all up, gave her a kiss and went on about the evening.

Now poodles are smart. (So I'm told. Sometimes I think Greta Boomer would have been a short bus kid if she were a child, but she has her moments of genius.) So her shining intellectual moment this weekend came when she finally communicated to me that she needed some serious help. She pooped right at my feet while I made dinner. Again, details aside, panic ensued and I snatched her up to hurry to the Emergency Vet.

Now I'm feeling all of the emotions of a worried parent, because being sans-child, Greta is my baby. I felt guilty, worried and panicky as Matt drove us to the Emergency Vet. Cue the "Money ain't a thang" music. Because this is how I felt. No matter what, we were going to make her better.

We walk in and they have us fill out the paper work which I couldn't possibly do, so Matt scribbled away. I watched a huge white mutt-of-a-dog being cared for by three midget sized adults with a bath towel. Being snobby, I got irritated when the little owner man bent over "Copenhagen" (of course, it's Arkansas) to check out the damage from the dog-fight, exposing his entire rear end. This was the beginning of our wonderful three-hour experience.

Finally, we were ushered into the holding cell, I mean, exam room, and shut away to wait it out. Everything in the entire room was puke green and plastic; as if we were waiting in the drunk tank in the county jail. Finally, the little pancreatitis test that looked suspiciously like a pregnancy test, came back a light shade of green, confirming that Greta did NOT have pancreatitis. The blood panel also came back with no conclusive diagnosis and by 10:30 p.m., we were buying (literally) a very convincing plea from the baldest of doctors to let them keep her over night.

Well, Daddy Warbucks stuck our little Greta with two IV's and a hefty bill by the time it was all over. Still, no indication of what was really wrong. She was released from the hospital with instructions to go see our regular vet the following morning, when she would be back from her 4th of July holiday.

First thing this morning, we took her straight away to our wonderful veterinarian, Laura Mahaffey. She took one quick sample (an uncomfortably probing endeavor) and diagnosed Greta with HGE. Basically, this is a really bad irritation of the bowels. She said that it could be very dangerous and sent us home with an antibiotic, for $60. Then, not meaning to add insult to injury, she informed us that if she kept a dog in her hospital for a week, she would probably not collect anything close to $700.

Now, I know this sounds like I'm just complaining about the cost, and I am, but I'm really glad that Greta is ok. She's wanted us to hold her all day and hasn't eaten much. As you can see by the photo, I had trouble typing because of my little sicko. She's not out of the woods yet, but we think she's going to recover. No thanks to Daddy Warbucks. I know this is a stretch, but Tiger Lily to the Emergency Vet that pumped some fluids for $700. I mean the irony here is that they are supposed to help you, not send you into bankruptcy.

The Jolie Phenomenon

2008-07-03T14:59:00.001-05:00

She has a unique beauty, a mysterious and captivating shyness about her and a flair for humanitarian efforts! Forget about Tomb Raider and that weird Billy Bob Blood thing, I think I like Angelina Jolie. I think I like her a lot. She seems so nice, so pretty. Right away I wanted to see the pictures of Shiloh. Recently I've even considered a cool tattoo down my back- it's chic. No, I wouldn't kiss my brother on the lips, but it's ok for her. It's not weird, it's just a gesture of love, right?

And it was out of this mesmerized fog that I got snapped right back into reality when my cousin dropped this Tiger Lily nomination on me:

From Gina on Angelina Jolie:
"For someone the media is making out to be this glowing maternal goddess and heroic humanitarian, I'd just like to remind them of the bizarre behavior she's repeatedly shocked us with in her not-so-distant past....drug videos, open confessions of weird sexual encounters, making out with her brother, wearing a vile of her husbands blood to show devotion, etc, etc. Has the public so quickly forgiven and forgotten all of this?

In addition, the way she picks these poor kids up like souvenirs and thrusts them into her odd world is not heroic or maternal, it's sad and selfish and a little shady. There's just no telling what kind of psychological trauma they will be sorting through in 10 years. And for someone who insists she's interested in keeping a low profile, she continues to pull one attention-grabbing stunt after another. Coincidence? I think not. So before she's nominated as woman-of-the-year, I just felt she deserved to be nominated for a more appropriate award - a tiger lily!"

At first, I was a little defensive. That is some strong language about my girl. After all, Angie's helping people in New Orleans. But, UN ambassador or not, the facts are the facts. I immediately went to one of the greatest sources of accurate and thorough information, People magazine. Their online magazine has a number of features which have come in very handy for me, as I track Jay-Z and Beyonce's every move, so naturally, I went there for my information. Here is Jolie's biography:

http://www.people.com/people/angelina_jolie/biography

After reading her bio, and now out of my transfixed state, there is no doubt in my mind, Angelina Jolie deserves a Tiger Lily. And not because she is so strange and yet so revered, but because she has been able to do what no one else I have ever known has been able to do: She is has overcome her past without totally separating herself from it. I mean, she's in the public eye and there's no "fresh start" or "clean slate" for this movie star.

Here's the thing. In my experience, once labeled a strange-cat, always a strange-cat. Last time I checked, the kid that talked about maggots in the 5th grade and ate his scabs for lunch is still not voted "most popular" at his high school reunion. Instead, they give him "most changed" and then avoid him in the punch line. That's why, as I watch all of the mania unfold about Angelina Jolie, I am astounded at how quickly people have been able to forgive and forget.

This acceptance of Angelina has me in deep thought about our society's criteria for forgiveness and redemption. What is it about Angelina? How is it that people are so easily mesmerized by her? Maybe she's just beautiful and beauty affords great forgiveness in our society. Or maybe it's just that we like to see Brad happy again. I myself have been taken in by her charms and I just can't explain why I'm able to look past those Goth years.

As my 10 year high school reunion creeps ever-closer and people sympathize with me when I say I'm not so interested in going, it makes me wonder: How did Angelina escape with only a few cutting scars and few not-so-great tattoos? Looks like we'll never know. Unless, of course, People decides to enlighten us.

Thanks for the nomination Gina, Tiger Lily #7 to Angelina Jolie. Hmm. #7, a lucky number--maybe this explains the Jolie phenomenon.

The RSS Feed/ The Devil

2008-06-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am taking a class this summer about some of the new technology out there to help us in our quest for information, our ability to collaborate, to be efficient, blah blah blah. My group decided to investigate these crazy little things called "RSS feeds." Until this class, I have been living a blissfully (albeit ignorant) "RSS-free" life. Somehow I was completely able to ignore this:

Be warned: If you read on, you too will know about:

And I'm here to tell you, there's no going back! Just like Neo, you swallow that pill and your life is changed forever. You will begin noticing them on almost every Web site you visit. And you'll click on them. You will subscibe to something like GoogleReader to gather all of these RSS Feeds and you will begin talking in code: My feeds, these aggregators, your podcast, Joe's blog...

So if you are confused about what all of these terms mean, please take a look at the following wiki page. http://coolgroup.wikispaces.com/Sarah's+research+on+RSS The author, Sarah, does a great job of explaining what "RSS" really is. Here is an excerpt from her page:

"You can think of RSS as TiVo (or DVR) for your computer. TiVo and DVR work through your cable television box to record your favorite programs. They recognize when your shows are on and automatically save them so you can watch at your convenience. RSS functions in much the same way. An RSS aggregator monitors your favorite websites, blogs, and podcasts for new content and collects the new information for you to view at any time. Rather than having to visit each of your favorite sites to see what’s new, you can visit your RSS aggregator (also known as an RSS reader) to see all of the new content from all of your favorite sites. Check out this video from YouTube for a great introductory tutorial on using RSS:"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0klgLsSxGsU&feature=email

I have decided to give The RSS Feed a Tiger Lily. For something that was supposed to help simplify my life, it has now overwhelmed it. This little award looks so much like an RSS Feed that I want to click on it.

Take a look at my friend's blog posting about Facebook. http://www.angryczeck.com/2008/05/facebook-has-me-by-throat.html Please don't go to this blog if you are faint-of-heart, but I had to link to it, because similarly, I too am addicted. I am so addicted that I'm mad at my husband every day because he refuses to join. People probably think I'm lying when I've posted my Relationship status as "Married." In a pathetic effort to prove his existence I've posted numerous pictures of him. Also, I obsess day and night about whether or not he's read my most recent blog entry. In fact, he should set up an RSS Feed of my blog. Of course, he'll have to set up GoogleReader first. Now re-reading what I've just written, realizing how crazy that sounds, I remember why I married him in the first place, what a wise man.

So maybe this should be a Tiger Lily for all technology. Maybe I should award myself a Tiger Lily for being so completely taken in by all of this. But in my defence I'm not the only one. One of my old high school classmates, David, recently wrote (on Facebook of course) that he was going around the house naming everything an "i" something before Apple could. For instance, he had his iToaster hooked up, was watching his iTV while listening to his iRadio... you get the picture. This was hilarious to me because it is so true. It's inevitable-- technology is taking over. Pretty soon we won't be able to carry on regular f2f conversations. And I'll have to go to sites like www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm just to make it through life. 4COL.

Well, enough of this. TTFN. I've got to go check my GoogleReader. Tiger Lily to Technology.

Oh Oprah

2008-06-20T09:02:00.001-05:00

I know that as soon as you saw her face, a lot of you out there got really nervous. "Oh no, she's going to make fun of Oprah." Don't worry, I'll only make fun of her a little bit. I'll just give Oprah a small Tiger Lily.

So just to get this out of the way, please know, I like Oprah. I like to watch her show, buy her endorsed books, build her endorsed bears, drive her give-away Pontiacs, aspire to her perfect spirituality, give as generously, and look as beautiful-- inside and out. Isn't she lovely? (Que Stevie Wonder. I think Oprah would like that.)

For Mother's Day, I bought my mother a subscription to O, Oprah's magazine. I was excited about it. It was one of those gifts you give and hope to borrow later. (How un-Oprah of me.) Anyway, my mom and I started talking about the fact that Oprah is on every single cover of her own magazine. And for some reason, this really bothered us. Isn't Oprah supposed to be supremely perfect? And isn't humility one of the attributes of a perfect person?

Well, I'm here to tell you what this is all about. Humility and godliness go hand-in-hand. And I don't mean the Gideon-type godliness. I mean the television-type. The brand-type. The Oprah-type. Oprah is her own brand. With out her name or her face the Oprah brand wouldn't be a brand at all. Her name and face have brand power. And by power, you know I mean money. Dollars. And lots of them.

Advertising Age wrote an article "How to get your brand on 'Oprah'" in its June 2008 issue. The article explains that "she is--by the estimate of PR pros who besiege her producers for a chance to have their brands reflect the warm light of Oprah's presence--the very pinnacle of product publicity." See, she is a goddess. She even has a "warm light." She is the goddess of product publicity and because her face and name carry such weight, she has to keep them front-and-center.

So who can blame her? This television goddess puts a book on the New York Times Best-seller List, boosts Dolly Parton's CD sales by 70% and puts Bourdreaux's Butt Paste on the map. And she is philanthropic too. She builds schools in South Africa, gives millions to charity and even has time for her top-rated "Oprah's Big-Give" on ABC.

I've just decided that my idea of "godliness" is a little less "capitalistic," I mean, complicated. Here are a few other Tiger-Lilish contradictions I see with Oprah:

She endorses Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty." (A campaign by Ogilvy & Mather that I absolutely love) But every time you turn around, there is Oprah looking amazing. You wouldn't ever catch Oprah in her underware, on purpose.
She endorses Barack Obama. Now listen up! This is not political. I'm just pointing out the fact, that for a woman who won't marry a man, bashes men and is the voice of the middle-class woman, isn't it a little ironic that she would endorse a male over a female candidate? For crying out loud, her July issue of O has an article, "Men! What are They Thinking?!"
She endorses everything from butt paste to books. And then has shows about how to de-clutter.

But, alas, everybody loves her. And despite these contradictions, I love her too. Although I really love watching Ellen dance and at least she can joke about her endorsements. Watch out Oprah, here she comes. Enjoy your little Tiger Lily.

Ba da ba ba baaa, I'm lovn' it!

2008-05-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

I’m lovin’ the fact that McDonald’s is acting like this idea of chicken for breakfast is their own!

About two weeks ago, McDonald’s Corporation introduced their brand new, exciting, revolutionary, non-conformist, out-of-the-box menu items: the chicken biscuit and chicken sandwich! I can’t believe it. I’ve never, ever thought about having chicken for breakfast, or even in a sandwich. I’m so glad their new ad campaign has really embraced this “Let’s Hear it for Non-conformity!” idea.

Well hold on. Chick-Fil-A Executives are probably wondering the same thing I am: Didn’t Chick-Fil-A introduce these yummy chicken biscuits in 1984? Tiger Lily.

Now I know that some could argue that McDonald’s revolutionized fast-food chicken. They introduced the chicken “McNuget” in the 1950’s and then rolled it up in a tortilla about two years ago and had an instant success: the Snack Wrap. But for them to claim the chicken biscuit and chicken sandwich as their own is totally ludicrous. They didn’t even put their own twist on the sandwich. The biscuit is sans condiments, butter only. And the sandwich has butter and pickles only. How original.

McDonald’s executives are simply following the trends. And following the money. According to the analysts who watch this stuff, Americans are eating more chicken because of its perceived healthiness and its versatility. (This is also Tiger Lilyish in nature.) First, we think that this new fried chicken sandwich of only 420 calories is healthier than the good old cheeseburger. Oh, and it is! It will save us from an extra 20 calories. Secondly, we like chicken better than beef because we’re bored with beef. Chicken can be rolled into a tortilla, minced up and congealed into a nugget and even diced for a salad.

In fact, this trend to chicken isn’t new, McDonald’s has been moving in this direction for over five years. The last big burger roll out was in 2001: the Big N’ Tasty. But since 2003, they have added something chicken to their menu every year.

So come on. “Let’s hear it for non-conformity.” Why don’t they just say, “Think outside the bun!”? Oh, wait.

Maybe it’s just because I like to cheer for the underdog, or maybe it’s because I adore their cleaver marketing campaign with the cows. But I think that McDonald’s shouldn’t use the tagline, “Let’s hear it for non-conformity” because that’s exactly what they’re doing: conforming. They’re stealing the chicken biscuit!

Please, when you get hungry for breakfast tomorrow and you plan to drive through for a little fried chicken, don't conform, go to Chic-Fil-A.

Clothes are getting jacked and Lindsay has sticky fingers... Tiger Lily time.

2008-05-12T16:51:00.000-05:00

My apologies to my friend Sarah who nominated Ms. Lindsay Lohan for a Tiger Lily weeks ago when the trail was still hot. Or at least the mink coat she was wearing was hot. It seems that Lindsay has expensive tastes on a rehab-drained budget. But stealing? Really? Enough said. Tiger Lily.

Sephora and JC Penny

2008-05-07T17:04:00.000-05:00

Now this is rich! JC Penney and Sephora have joined forces to bring the Sephora brand of beauty into JC Penney stores. No, I take that back. This is not rich, this is so cheap. My market place of beauty, my plethora of fragrance, my haven of skin care and hair products has been contaminated by the stench of Jaque Penne. Thus, I now award Sephora and JC Penney their very own Tiger Lilies.

The last time I remember being excited about anything "JC Penney" was the Christmas catalogue I thumbed through as a kid in 1984. With my red marker in hand, I couldn't wait to circle all the toys that I thought Santa might bring. But as an adult, the JC Penney brand doesn't exactly bring forth that good "butterfly effect." Instead, it actually induces the Ashton Kutcher type of "Butterfly Effect" and if you haven't seen the movie, trust me, Ashton didn't like the way this one made him feel.

Now, I've tried to be objective. I've tried to sort through some "Worthington" and "Arizona Jean Company" threads. But it's just not my bag. Maybe I'd rather a snooty salesperson ignore me at an expensive boutique than search for the one JC Penney salesperson that is taking her lunch break at 3:15. It's just not a place of style.

But Sephora. Oh, Sephora. Now there's a brand with style. It's an oasis of beauty in the hustle and bustle of the retail world. It's a clean, fresh, hip pink-and-black haven of refreshment where you can sample any type of makeup or perfume that you could ever think of. Customers enter and hope prevails. A hope that you will finally find the concealer that will cover your sun-spot, a hope that you will smell that perfect scent your neighbor always wears, the hope that they will actually have the Nar's lipstick. It's that butterfly effect that you once had for the JC Penney catalogue. Sephora even sounds like euphoria. All women love it.

Now enter your local JC Penney and you will see how this union of style and Arizona Jean Company is such a "Tiger Lily." I had to go see for myself. Had this really happened? Had they really put a Sephora in my local, Stack-and-Rack, Baby's R Us! laden shopping center? Sadly, yes. And although it was as clean and fresh as the first Sephora I discovered in London, it was such an imitation. It was a fourth of the size of a normal Sephora and only carried the lower-end brands. When I inquired with the (very helpful and nice actually) sales lady, she told me that they did not carry the "Nors" (this is how she pronounced it) lipstick.

Disaster. I don't know if the style of Sephora is strong enough to overcome these new surroundings. Maybe there's a reason that JC Penney's old tag line, "It's All Inside" resonated with me so much. Because maybe it should all stay inside.

But maybe Sephora will allow it's style to ooze through our local JC Pennies. After all, isn't that exactly what the brand needs? Their new tag line, "Every Day Matters" is exactly right. Every day that they are still in business, they have the opportunity to infuse the store with style. In 2006, they partnered with Sephora. In 2008, Ralph Lauren himself launched his "American Living" brand that is now in stores nationwide. Maybe that hopeful feeling that every woman gets when she enters a Sephora will become characteristic of JC Penney.

Here's to hoping. Congrats JC Penney/Sephora on your Tiger Lilies.

John Mayer- Inagural Winner

2008-04-29T14:02:00.001-05:00

I would like to bestow John Mayer with my inaugural T. Lily.

His songs speak to my soul and it's not just the lyrics. His smooth guitar tones have evolved from pop to jazz from one album to the next and his writing from love to politics and back again. It's his raw talent that I admired during a concert about a year ago that endeared him to me, much in the same way that I've come to admire the King.

John understands women-- and without sounding like I'm in the middle of hero-worship, herein is where the lovely contradiction lies. I like to think myself somewhat of a scholar. I think. I read. I watch CNN and Fox objectively. I listen to the lyrics of a song, I'm interested in what the politicians have to say about health care, I read more than just People. (Although that's a good one and a must-read.) And John gets me. So how does he become romantically involved with the following?:

Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jessica Simpson
Minka Kelly
Cameron Diaz
Pussy Cat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger
Jennifer Anniston

Now, before all you Rachel fans act like I just called Emma ugly, please understand that some of these women (Jessica Simpson and the Pussy Cat Doll) deserve a few more exclamations than the others. But I don't see any doctors or poets on this list. And I just really, strongly dislike Cameron Diaz. She just defines "ditz." Now I know http://www.urbandictionary.com/ defines Ditz with the example of Paris Hilton, literally, but Cameron could qualify.

See, she even looks like she's about to run into someone. Ditz.

And then there's the 2006 article in Rolling Stone where John gives his exclusive interview on the topic, "How To Be John Mayer's Girlfriend." Here's what he says:

1. “Be really careful with me on the phone. Distance makes the brain grow more maniacal.”
2. “Twenty-four-hour phone-sex assistance. If there’s a cute girl in the front row, I’m gonna run offstage and call you.”
3. “You have to run every single fantasy you’ve ever had through me. You’ll never cheat. You see a cute guy at the gym, I’ll be him. Or we’ll get him. I don’t care.”

John, that's more than three. Come on.

For a man that understands how a father needs to protect a daughter, it makes me wonder: is this because he knows what kind of guys are out there? I might have imagined meeting John and having a deep conversation about happiness or even who he knows that buzzes like Neon. I'm sure it's a Pussy Cat Doll. Gag.

Seen here thinking about how his next song will be about saving us all from high gas prices, or just checking out the hot babe taking his picture?

But I'm still moved by his music. I wanted to run for office after Waiting for the World to Change. And I'll buy his next album and I'll go to another concert. I agree with Time that he could be one of the World's 100 most influential people. (of 2007) And maybe he is a "New Guitar God."(Rolling Stone, February 2007). He's lovely-- and his taste in women shocks me. A lovely contradiction.

Congrats John.