A Citizen's Arrest

According to TMZ.com, Nikki Hilton put a "male transient"/(my translation:) homeless man under "Citizen's Arrest" yesterday for "battery"/(my translation:) bumping into her outside of an IHOP Restaurant in West Hollywood.

"I place you under Citizen's Arrest!" she yelled. She then held the suspect at bay until the real police arrived.

Then the guy was for real arrested.

This got me to thinking how much I like the idea of "Citizen's Arrest." It sounds so serious, and yet, it carries no weight. How Tiger Lily.

Thanks to Nikki Hilton, I'm bringing back the Citizen's Arrest. I can't really remember the last time I used this phrase, probably because it was when my life was still in the single-digit range, but none-the-less, I can't wait to use it again.

Here's what I'm thinking for a Citizen's Arrest... I will place people under Citizen's Arrest if they break one of my laws. These are the violations that are immediately insulting because they are so clearly and utterly wrong. A Citizen's Arrest is merely a reaction to someone's unbelievable behavior.

So be pre-warned. I've brought it back. And I will place you under "Citizen's Arrest" if you violate any of my laws. Here are some examples:

1. If you are not a good merger, you cannot drive during rush-hour.

2. You cannot be a "wet blanket." This includes variations of the said offense, including, but not limited to: dream-killers, party-poopers, non-dancers and especially dieters.

3. You must be a dog-lover. (It's the law.)

4. You should not wear OU clothing unless you actually graduated from the University of Oklahoma in Norman.

5. You have to take all of your vacation days.

6. You should be nice to your mother. And courteous in general. Where has courtesy gone anyway? If you are rude in any way, I will place you under arrest.

7. You should not answer your cell phone in a movie theatre-- if it's an emergency, you should probably leave the theatre anyway. (This is for Jay and Traci)

8. Women-- you should not "leave a trail" in a public restroom. Would you do that in your own home? Unbelievable.

9. Men-- you should just stop spitting-- even if you are outside. Why was that ever okay?

10. You should take personal responsibility in all areas of your life. Obama can't help you out of everything.

Tiger Lily to the Citizen's Arrest.

29

It's time a number received a Tiger Lily and I've decided that 29 deserves it.

I can remember when my mom was just a little younger than she is now, and when her birthday would roll around, she would jokingly tell people, "I'm going to be 29 again this year!" Wink Wink. The inference was that 29 is young and desirable. With youth comes beauty, happiness and health. This is why women want to stay 29, right? Well, not me.

Desirable as 29 might sound, I'm here to say that I want my 23 back. Or, let's just fast-forward to my 30's. And here's why: 29 is no-man's land. It's not young and it's not old.

At 23, people think you are a baby and they treat you as such. You are allowed to get really drunk and make a fool of yourself, make bad financial decisions, date the wrong people and dye your hair the wrong color. (Anyone remember my bleach-blonde accident in 2002?) At 29, you cannot. You are entering "adulthood" and none of this behavior is acceptable. Yet, if your employer or doctor or parent's friend still wants to call you a "baby" or a "girl" (instead of lady/woman) it's totally acceptable. What?! I'm so confused. Is 29 young or old? You can't have it both ways!

I think that 29 is confusing. For instance:

Social Situations. Should I embrace my youth and party really hard? Or should I be responsible and go in early? This last weekend I attended a formal charity event. There were drinks and dancing. I left feeling torn. Should I have stayed later, had more to drink? Or should I follow the lead of my older co-workers? 14.5 years of me wants to light the table cloth on fire and get crazy on the dance-floor, the other 14.5 years wants me to drink red wine, refuse to dance and talk politics.

Shopping. Maybe I'm imagining things, but I feel "watched" when shopping at Forever21. I think, "She's wondering why I'm looking at these leggings. Am I too old to wear these? Should I fake a laugh, roll my eyes and put it back on the shelf?" Then there's the opposite experience in Ann Taylor. I feel the need to dress up and make sure the sales lady sees my wedding ring. Can I buy something other than business clothes here? Or am I too young to go with this pair of Capri pants? Are Capri pants even "in" anymore?

At they gym. I find that my body will no longer obey my workout demands and it's getting harder and harder to maintain an acceptable pace on the treadmill. But, I'm still "young." I'm 29! So my body should look great. What a horrible position 29 has put me in.

Children. At 29 I'm either supposed to have some and be motherly, or not have any and be prepared to defend their absence. In fact, at 29, you are expected to talk to anyone who asks you about your decisions to have, or not to have children. 29 requires it, like it or not. It is the right of people not your age to ask.

At work. It's time for you to have a "career." You can't be figuring things out, trying new things. You have to pick something-- and God forbid you picked the wrong thing at 23, because now you're stuck. If you decide to change your career now or take a step down to fulfill your dreams be prepared for raised eyebrows and whispers. Not fair 29! I want to be on American Idol too!

Each day of my 29th year will be tough because of the aforementioned situations. Although I will say that this juxtaposition of young and old has given me a strange longing for 30. While most of my friends will fear the onslaught of this mile-stone birthday, I will embrace it. It's old! Finally.

Tiger Lily to 29.

Good Hair and Bad Behavior

I know I've blogged quite a bit about appearance, from Sarah Palin's glasses to Oprah's affinity for the Dove campaign... but I am here to say that I can recognize that beauty is often only skin deep.

In fact, I have a new theory to pass along to the blogosphere, and it's merely an extension on the idea that beauty is only skin deep. My theory is: "If a man has a full head of hair, he's up to no good." It is a theory that is full of Tiger Lily potential: A full head of hair = a lack of character. Here's what I'd like to show as my evidence:

Blagojevich. Wire tapping accuses Rod of selling Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. His reply, "I will fight this, I will fight this, I will fight this." He gets away with everything; he has good hair. Who can blame him for being defiant?

Clinton. He did not have sexual relations with that woman; he's got such great hair, he's just can't help it. There must be a reason people called him "Slick Willy."

John Edwards. Just too beautiful and smiley. He was so good-looking and suave, I knew something wasn't right.

Tim Tebow-- I don't know why, maybe because I'm an Oklahoma fan, but I really feel like something is off with Tim, and we know it's not his hair. He's just too perfect. Mark my words. Goodbye Gators, hello NFL and all the no-good possibilities.

Madoff. Now, I know this is a stretch, but look at how he is growing out his hair in the back. He must know the advantage of good hair and has decided to grow it out for his trial.

Maybe this is just a coincidence, or maybe we should start being weary of men with good hair. I'm just reporting my theory. And much like my theory that the odd numbered years are better than the even numbered ones, (yahoo! here comes 2009) there will be exceptions to the rule. Maybe it's just a coincidence that all of these "bad boys" have such great hair. But maybe not. Tiger Lily to good hair. It just brings about bad behavior.

Irreplaceable?... I think not.

Move over Beyoncé, here comes Sasha Fierce.

For those of you that don't know, I feel in love with Beyoncé Knowles on my Honeymoon, November 2006. (She is second only to my one true love, Elvis, not counting Matt.) Between sitting at the beach, eating ice cream and lounging by the pool, I found some time to watch a video-countdown where I was introduced to the Number #1 Hit Song: "Irreplaceable." I immediately became a huge Beyoncé fan, bought her album, put "Bootylicious" on my ipod and even rented "Dream Girls."

Following our introduction, I became an admirer of her coolness. She had style, she kept her private life private, and she dated Jay-Z, who with, coincidentally, I share a birthday. I followed her every move through People and was so excited when those two crazy kids got married! It was a beautiful ceremony where she asked all of the guests to wear white-- ultra style points to B.

Then, this past Saturday night, I cozied into bed a a little later than planned, realizing that I was missing Saturday Night Live where Beyoncé would be the guest musician. I only caught her last song performance, but I felt like maybe I was missing something. Maybe in the introduction, she explained why she was wearing a Rockette-swimsuit outfit. Maybe she explained why one of her back-up dancers was painfully white and had no rhythm. Maybe she explained why the "new" song, "Single Ladies. (Put a Ring on It)" sounded just like five of her other songs from the B-Day album with different words. I turned off the set and went to bed, confused and a little worried about her lack of taste and judgement.

(The outfits look just like this, without the hat. To get a better idea, you'll have to watch the hilarious spoof SNL did of her "Single Ladies" video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TegjiG2mrzI)

But, like all of us who are in love, I let it slip my mind and went on to church the next day without giving it another thought.

Then, Monday morning, I got the text message from my friend, Carrie: "Beyoncé has a new alter ego named Sasha Fierce. Watch out. Just thought since she was your hero, you should know."

Devastated. Apparently, when I wasn't paying attention, Beyoncé decided to release the album, "I Am... Sasha Fierce," which debuts tomorrow. She explained to NBC that Sasha is her alter ego that is more fun, more sensual, more aggressive. How could she go Garth Brooks on me? After I was so loyal? I even paid money to see Dream Girls! Tiger Lily to Beyoncé, or Sasha, or whatever. Right, Irreplaceable.

If she can't bounce back from this, I might have to find a new super-star to obsess about. Rihanna is dating Chris Brown and she has a poodle. She would be a good rebound.

Ok, so let's be real. I'm buying Sasha's album tomorrow. I dedicate this TL to Carrie. Thanks for the heads-up.

Non-Lily Blog Tagging

My sister blog tagged me, and because I'm always game to talk about myself, I gladly accept!

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you (Reagan's blog, "Controlled Chaos" is already linked on my site )
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write six random thoughts about yourself
4. Tag six people at the end of your post
5. Let each person know he/she has been tagged
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted

Six random things about me: (Keeping with some of the question's themes from previous blog-tags)

1. I don't like beer at all but will drink it to be cool. For instance, I will have a beer at a sports bar if no one else will join me with something different. (I'd rather have a glass of wine any day!)
2. I am a sugar-aholic and go through phases with candy-obsessions. Right now, I'm on junior mints.
3. I love, and will wear my pink lipstick whether it's in style or not.
4. My husband is a better cook than me. Although this is no revelation.
5. I'm a pro-napper and could sleep at any time of day without missing a wink later that night.
6. I have three recurring dreams: 1. running line-drills for Coach Loucks, having too much bubble-gum in my mouth, choking on it and pulling it out, and one where I can swim through the air, breast-stroke style.

Ok, so I blog tag:
Jessica Linville
Meredith Porbeck
Kerry Boulware
(Do I have to ask 6, I don't know anyone else who would want to do it!)

Planning without the Plan

(Just because I needed a picture and I just love Mad Men.)

In the last few weeks, I have really been evaluating my plans for 2009. I've been thinking a lot about my family, my career and even what television shows will be on the horizon and subsequently on our DVR. Being a planner, I don't wait until late December, it's just too late to map out a course, and I've never been one to procrastinate.

What dawned on me this week is that "planning" and "the plan" don't really go hand-in-hand. Instead, things are really out of your control. Honestly, for all of my planning, how could I have possibly planned for my 2008?:

• First, I changed jobs. I now work at an advertising agency, leaving a sales career behind.
• I attended my 10-year high school reunion.
• I changed my email address. This is huge for me, and so, it makes the list. Abandoning RLSooner and moving forward with a more grown-up, name/last name email address was my official inauguration into adult-career-hood.
• I've gone back to school part-time.
• I've traveled to New Orleans, Atlanta, Tallahassee, Chicago, Napa Valley, Kansas City, and Hawaii.
• I put my foot in my mouth a number of times.
• I watched and became enamored with the first two seasons of Mad Men.
• I joined facebook, started a blog, and became addicted to a blackberry.

So my new plan (because once a planner, always a planner) is to try and be organized, have a purpose that is bigger than all of this, and see what happens.

Tiger Lily to planning, because it's just an exercise in organization that has nothing to do with the actual "plan." I'm pretty sure that Someone Else has things securely under control.

Rude and Oblivious. A double-whammy.

(If this sign could just spontaneously pop-up out of thin air up at the appropriate time!)

I've been traveling a lot lately and really enjoyed the post that my sister-in-law provided on my brother's blog, "Something Clever." She outlines the many things that bug her about traveling.

Please read her post, it's hilarious and you'll get worked up even reading the list.

It got me thinking that, I too am annoyed at people's rude behavior that is sometimes just plain annoying. My biggest complaint from my recent travels includes people talking at volume level 15 (on a scale of 1-10) on their cell phones. You know these people. You are sitting, say, in an airport coffee shop or searching for the next issue of People to accompany you on a flight, and the digitized version of "My Humps" blairs out from a fellow-customer's cell phone. She answers.

You are then treated to your fellow-customer's 10 minute exchange about who they saw at the party last night, what time their flight will land, how many times they've gone to the bathroom that day. It's crazy. And what is most annoying about the whole thing, is that they have no idea that anyone else is annoyed. They are having a blast talking to their friends and co-workers and don't have a clue that they are being rude.

So, this leads me to an article I read on CNN's website today, "Are you rude? Maybe you should think again." This article showcased a recent episode of Oprah. Our all-knowing, mother-of-everything-good, expert in every field of spirituality and reason, Oprah, talked to Jerry Sienfleld about his biggest pet peeve-- a lack of civility.

While Oprah reports that 80% of Americans say that rudeness is a national problem, 99% of those people who took the survey said that they are never rude. Tiger Lily. People think that being rude is a problem and they don't even recognize that they are being rude. It's rude, people!

Because I am so easily annoyed by others, I went to Oprah's site to take the quiz, Are You Rude? I'll be honest and say that I probably didn't score in the realm reserved for Mother Teresa. Instead, I was guilty of quite a few of my own acts of rudeness. Some of which include:

1. Talking on the phone while someone is serving me. (Think about when you get groceries.)
2. Interrupting a face-to-face conversation with a non-urgent cell phone call.

3. Typing an email while talking on the phone. (I at least try to make it where the caller can't hear the clicks...)

4. Guilty. But she's a small dog!

Those are just some examples. Please don't take this opportunity to point out my particular rude offenses, but feel free to add to the list of rude behaviors. Maybe we can just raise awareness. Knowing is half the battle. Tiger Lily to rude people who are totally oblivious sometimes. Myself included.