Roller Derby and the Deasons

On Saturday April 11th, I lost my Roller-Derby virginity in Tallahassee, Florida. (Please be warned, if you are going to be offended by sexual references, than this is not the post for you. And if you are easily offended but read on anyway- you can join me in accepting this particular Tiger Lily. I am awarding this one to myself.)

Matt and I went to visit my sister and her family over Easter weekend. My niece, five years old, spent much of the weekend playing with her Hannah Montana guitar. She serenaded us with The Best of Both Worlds all weekend which, ironically, is the best way to describe our visit. In the first world, we celebrated the holiest weekend in the entire Christian calendar. We shared jellybeans from the kids' Easter baskets, and even went to the Circus. In the second world, we went to the Roller Derby.

Let's back up. A few days before we flew down to Tallahassee, my sister called me to make sure that Matt and I would like to go to the Roller Derby before she purchased tickets. Obviously I was confused, because at first, I was under the impression that I would have to strap on some roller-blades and join in. My sister quickly assured me that I was not Roller Derby material and that we would be spectators only. Well, as you might have guessed, I was relieved and told her that we would love to go.

Now fast forward to Saturday night. Southern Discomfort (the name of the tournament we attended) started at 5:30 p.m. The actual match didn't actually start until 7:00, but the doors opened at 5:30 for us to claim our seats. We put our lawn chairs as close to the ensuing blood-shed as possible and went back outside the gates. I had on my new GAP t-shirt, matching bracelet with a cute little star charm and a preppy little white hoodie in case I got cold. I encouraged Matt to wear his khaki t-shirt with the pink piping, also from the GAP. He told me that he was worried he might look a little feminine and I assured him that he looked great. Obviously, I had no idea.

Back outside the gates, everyone enjoyed a few home-brought beers. I decided to hold out until I could get back inside, hoping they might be serving white wine, or at the least, margaritas, since I don't really drink beer. But as our tailgating came to an end, and we lined up to go back inside, I began to get the feeling that I didn't really have a good idea of what was about to happen-- and that I probably wouldn't be getting that glass of wine. I also began to notice that many of the soon-to-be spectators were wearing a lot of black, sporting some pretty cool tattoos and piercings and many had on "The Cure" t-shirts.

And then I saw them. The Roller Derby Girls. We had just rounded the corner where we could see the inside of Fairgrounds Building 2 where they had set up the make-shift roller-rink. Bitchie Cunningham skated right past me. She is the co-captain of "Capital Punishment," the name of the Tallahassee Roller Derby team. Her co-captain, The Great Wall of Gina, was close behind joking with Robin Cradles. They were dressed in fish-net hose, panties, helmets and knee pads. They looked pretty tough. Feeling a little GAPish, I pulled my hoodie a little closer.

We took our seats directly behind the Jacksonville Roller Girl's bench. Quite a seat, because I was close enough to read Anita HardOne's helmet sticker that said, "I Love Porn" and got to see Jenna Talls ice her butt after a bad spill. This was a treat because, like most of the Roller Girls, Jenna just had panties on over her fish-nets and let me tell you-- she has a great butt.

It only took me watching the girls skate one or two times around the rink before I understood the game. Each team has one Jammer and it is her job to score. They score by getting in front of the other team's Jammer. The "pack" of Blockers and Pivots take off a few seconds before the two Jammers to make scoring a little harder. The Blockers slam you into the wall and I still don't know what the Pivots do. But what I do know is this: Roller Derby girls are hard-core and I wouldn't want to make one of them mad. For instance, one Blocker, I think her name was Tackle Boxxx, had a little skirt on that said, "Talk Shit. Get Hit." She meant it. And I was hooked.

Capital Punishment beat the Jacksonville Roller Girls after three (or was it four?) periods of hard-fought jamming. I was having so much fun that I almost joined in with the crowd as they began yelling for one of the skaters, "Go Fat Ass Bitch!" In fact, I would have had the time of my life if only the toilets at the fairgrounds had been flushing. When I realized that my drink choices were beer or jack-and-coke, I went for a few of the latter and quickly needed more than one restroom break. Let's just say, the no-flushing was just a little outside of my comfort zone and I decided to hold it.

Thanks to my naivety, needing to pee really bad most of the night and the GAP outfits I dressed us in, I award myself a Tiger Lily for my inaugural Roller Derby. I'm on the hunt for the next Little Rock Roller Derby where I will mentally award a Tiger Lily to the "me" in the crowd. She will be so easy to pick out.

Sacred Queen and First Lady Embrace

First, I'd like to start with a few of my observations about the British culture:

My limited experience with the British* has lead me to believe that their culture encourages people to be sensational. And by sensational, I mean their sensational reaction to everyday life. Every story is a "big" story. Every relationship is steamy. Each crime is horrendous and the most outrageous of all mankind. Every person is destined for greatness and has a hidden talent just waiting to bloom.

I have also found that the British culture finds humor in silliness. Just take a look at some of the most brilliant British comedy out there, the (original) Office, Monty Python, Mr. Bean, Bridget Jones Diary: it's all a little bit silly. Sarcasm might even have to pack its bags and come back to America straight-away. It has no place across the pond.

Also, in the British culture, there are no "regular" people, are there? It's just one amazing, astonishing story after another. With loads of amazing stuff happening all around you every day, there is no way to be bored, sad or unsatisfied; instead, you are just constantly entertained.

And maybe that's just it, entertainment. This is a culture that wants to be entertained. Couple this need for sensational entertainment with their fascination with royalty and celebrity, and you get the following breaking news story: (I've edited some of the story out, but for the full story, go to: Did Michelle Obama break royal protocol by giving the Queen a hug?)

America's First Lady Michelle Obama broke royal protocol during
a reception at Buckingham Palace when she placed her arm around the Queen.

But rather than take offence, Her Majesty took the unusual step of returning the gesture by putting her arm round Mrs Obama's waist...

One said: '...The Queen started chatting to Michelle Obama. She appeared to look up at her and make a comment about how tall she was.

'As she did, she put her arm around Mrs Obama and rested her gloved hand on the small of her back.'

Almost simultaneously, Mrs Obama put her arm around the Queen's shoulders rather more firmly.

'The pair then looked at their feet and appeared to be discussing their shoes.

'The Queen then dropped her arm and, a few seconds later, Michelle did the same. The entire exchange lasted around eight to ten seconds but was absolutely extraordinary.'

No-one - including the ladies-in-waiting standing nearby - could believe their eyes. In 57 years, the Queen has never been seen to make that kind of gesture and it is certainly against all protocol to touch her.

How "absolutely extraordinary"! Perhaps all of the news of failing companies, lost investments, rising energy costs, and bailout negotiations have left the British media scrambling for a more entertaining and touching story. Well, Cheers! and Tiger Lily to the British. (Although I must note that CNN carried the same touching story this morning, just a little less sensational.)

*(In the sensational-style of the British I would like to note:) I am an expert in British culture. Having lived there for four weeks in college and visited almost two whole times, I have a firm grip on the ins-and-outs of British life. Moreover, I religiously follow the British celebrities in People like Jude Law and Kate Winslet, and they're British, aren't they?

Smart Republicans Catch Democrats Again

I normally don't pass these along, but I found this so SHOCKING!!! Please forward this to all of your friends and family. (Tiger Lilish enough that I had to pass it along.)
_______________________________________________

My aunt works in the Mayor's office in Alameda, California. She is the receptionist for the city's Director of Marketing who's son has been serving as Nancy Pelosi's Page in the House of Representatives this Spring. Last week Nancy Pelosi fired the House Page on the spot, when she found out that the young man had been nosing around in her personal files. He intended to be a whistle blower, but Pelosi quickly fired him and sent him packing. The following is the first-hand account from the fired Page, who has asked everyone to pass this along, for the sake of the United States of America.

"Hello to everyone who receives this email and to those of you especially who have been blinded by our new Democratic leadership. I am emailing to inform you of the wasteful, dishonest and treasonous information I found in Nancy Pelosi's office last week. I am a high school junior, and was serving as a Page in the House of Representatives when I found this information. Somehow, Pelosi found out that I had seen these "CONFIDENTIAL" files and fired me before I could report her to the Sargent at Arms.

I found a letter, sent to Nancy Pelosi by Congressman Barney Frank of Massachusetts, which outlined a plan to include some pork-barrel legislation in the up-coming stimulus package that would help fund a certain "Special Alien Search Party."

Frank indicated that Senator Christopher Dodd assured him that the Senate would overlook such pork-barrel funding when the Senate reviewed the stimulus bill that following week. Apparently, this "Special Alien Search Party" legislation would allow $500 million dollars of tax payer's money to be collected and dispersed to an actual group of extraterrestrial aliens, (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) who believes that one of their ruler's ships crashed near Area 54 in Roswell, New Mexico about 50 years ago.

Because the aliens don't want to have to get a job to raise the money they will need to fund the expedition, Pelosi and Frank are working to get them the funding for all of the investigative equipment. The producers of CBS's hit show, Crime Scene Investigators- Miami, are also in on the alien-funding, hoping to get an exclusive interview with the search party to use in their season finale.

Obama was next on the list to contact, although Frank warned Pelosi that because Obama is really from Iran and has family there, that he would not be behind any more alien pork-barrel funding, but instead would only support pork-barrel legislation that made Arabic the official language of the U.S.

What's worse, is that I found a letter drafted by Pelosi back to Frank indicating that she would find a way to word the legislation so that our hard-earned Social Security dollars would be used to fund this alien expedition."

Please pass this on to at least eight people that you know and trust. DON'T BREAK THIS PATRIOTIC CHAIN. If you do, who knows how much more idiocy will go on in Washington while the Democrats waste our money?
______________________________________________

If you can see the angel's wings flapping below, you also probably thought this was a real email*, and deserve a Tiger Lily--along will all the Crazies out there that write them and get us to pass them along. And Tiger Lily to those of you that are so politically charged that you would believe anything you read about Pelosi, Frank or Obama-- and then post it on Facebook.



*For people that are so smart we (yes, myself included) really do pass on a lot of garbage through email, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and other Internet applications. This post was sparked by a pretty legitimate- looking email forwarded to me by my mother-in-law last night. If my brother-in-law hadn't sent me a link to Snopes, I would have forwarded it to my whole address book.

UALR Master's Level Professional Writers Receive Tiger Lily

The writers et al at The Tiger Lilies Blog-Spot are currently engaged in an empirical research project at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. The following is a summary of that research project.

Methods: Tiger Lilies Blog-Spot Contributors decided to immerse themselves in the Master's Program for Professional and Technical Writing at UALR. They followed 2% of students in the program that write professionally (n=1) and now report on their perception of the degree program. UALR is a four-year university in the heart of Little Rock, Arkansas. Some students live on campus, while a great majority of students commute to campus and work part-time or full-time.

Objective: The survey looks at these "budding" professional writers and seeks to answer the following questions: 1. What are their professional goals to be realized through this degree program? 2. Where are they currently working and where do they plan to work after graduation? 3. Where their goals realized? 4. What does the future hold for this degree program in light of the down-turn in the economy?

Please Note: This survey is on-going and these are just the findings at this stage in the project.

When the students started the degree program in January of 2008, their goals were as follows:

• Learn and master certain writing genres including: Grant writing, HTML/CSS writing, persuasive writing in a business setting-specifically proposal writing, feature-story writing
• Obtain advanced editing skills
• Obtain experience (and most importantly) samples for a portfolio through relevant internships
• Make contacts needed to obtain work as a free-lance writer in a technical or non-fiction capacity

Here are the top observations our Tiger Lily Blog-Spot Contributors made about the UALR Professional and Technical Writing Master's Degree Program: (Some of these observations shed light into the reality of the program that bear a stark contrast to the goals set by the students followed in this study.)

1. Profile of Students in Program:

• Many of the students in this program are unemployed, professional students. Many.
• The majority of the students in this program are teachers-- who plan to teach students to write.
• 2% of the students (the students followed closely in this empirical study) currently write for a living and go to school part-time.

2. Synopsis of Courses Offered:

• The courses offered for the professional students and teachers are offered at night.
• The courses designed to aid the 2% of students that write for a living are offered during regular business hours.
• The required curriculum includes: Rhetorical Theory, Composition Theory, Language Theory and Technical Theory. (All courses on the theory of writing)
• The elective courses that are only offered in limited quantity include: Document Design, HTML/CSS writing and Grant Writing. (All courses on how to actually write)

3. #1 Question asked by Professors to 2% of Students with Writing Careers:

• "If you're not going to teach after you receive your Master's Degree, what are you going to do with your Professional and Technical Writing Degree?"

4. #1 Question asked by Current Employers of 2% of Students with Writing Careers:

• "What is Professional and Technical Writing?"

5. #1 Question asked by 2% of Students with Writing Careers (and answer given by Professor):

• Student: "Can I substitute an "elective" course like -Grant Writing- for one of my "Theory" courses?
• Professor: "Probably not, because you need the theory class in order to teach."

6. The 2% of students who write professionally are actually paying full tuition for this degree.

The writers at the Tiger Lily Blog-Spot admit to the Review Board that they are only 2/3 of the way complete with their investigation. They still have 12 hours of investigation left after the completion of this semester. However, with these preliminary findings, the writers et al have come to the following conclusions:

Conclusions: These observations have led the Tiger Lily Blog-Spot Contributors to believe that, in light of the current economic crisis we are facing in the United States, and in light of the previously mentioned observations, this degree program should be part of Barack Obama's stimulus package. Like many of the other recipient-programs of this stimulus, the Master's Degree in Professional and Technical Writing from UALR, is clearly, based on these findings, an economic stimulus as defined by the President.

And as an added and appropriate bonus, all graduates of this degree should receive a special stimulus Tiger Lily for all of their hard work and money spent.

Notes on the Research: This research study was written during an excruciatingly long and unnecessary session of Composition Theory. These findings may have been exaggerated due to the Tiger Lily Blog-Spot Contributors' close proximity to Complete Insanity.

Grandad

A quick note: I spell Grandad with one "d" in the middle. I've always been a marginal speller and this is how I've always done it! Sorry to you two-"d" spellers out there.

George F. Robie, my last living grandparent, past away last Wednesday at 92. He will surely be missed by everyone in his family and anyone he met along the way. Grandad is without a doubt, one of the best Christian men I have ever been privileged to know. He had a faith that has made its mark on my entire family.

He was a paratrooper in World War II, and made 13 jumps in his career, one into enemy territory right before D-Day. He met my grandmother on a blind date while in the service and he worked for Phillips Petroleum for his entire career. He was an engineer with pack-rat tendencies and impeccable organizational skills. He was a great card player, musician and wonderful grandfather.

Because he is the one grandparent that I knew as an adult, I have many memories of him, and honestly, not one bad one in the bunch. I thought I could write a few down-- some that I share with my seven cousins and brother and sister and some that are probably unique for me and Grandad.

1. I remember Grandad reading me a Raggedy Ann and Andy book where they took a boat through a spooky place. Maybe I'm combining two books because I can't find this particular one, but I remember that Grandad's reading "voice" was very deep and that he and my mom read stories in the same way.

2. I remember sending him "pen-pal" letters when we moved away to Houston. He would correct my letters with a red pen and send them back to me with his reply. We traded letters for many years, and I can remember his distinct, very neat handwriting that accompanied each one.

3. Around the dinner table in his green kitchen, I remember him telling us in his "Julia Child" voice how he had prepared dinner that evening. (Although my grandmother always prepared the dinner.)

4. I can see him peeling an orange with his pocket knife right now. He taught me how to do this over a game of checkers.

5. Endless games of Gin-Rummy. Much like Gina, I remember specifically one night, sitting on the baseball ottoman facing him, perched in his orange tower-of-a-chair, and I didn't win a single hand. No mercy-- but I got better. Then, I remember him falling asleep during some of our games at the nursing home, and him still beating me.

6. Playing the piano. He taught me (and probably a few others) to play chop-sticks and had a special accompaniment that he played so that we could entertain our parents with a duet. Also, he would let us bang out a few high-notes to punctuate the end of his songs.

7. Coming to my high school and college graduation-- and my wedding. The only grandparent I had at any of those events.

8. Singing "Boomer Sooner" with him and talking to him about life at OU-- He is my only relative to attend OU and graduated in 1939. We talked a lot about his time as a Delt and his time in the University singing group. Because I was a Theta, he told me that he only really had one Theta friend, named Rose-- who wasn't very attractive, but he thought she liked him quite a bit.

9. Gal-Dern.

10. I know this isn't a Grandad memory specifically, but it's a tribute to him. I had the opportunity to be with him the last few days of his life in the nursing home here in Little Rock. During that time, he had a number of nurses and aids come visit him in his room--(everyone up there always told me how much they liked him.) As I was leaving him one evening, one of his nurses, Charlotte, who is normally very friendly, kept her back to me. I told her goodbye as I got on the elevator and she turned around and had been crying. She said that this was going to be hard for her, too and that she would miss him.

I will miss him for a while until I can see him again.

Love you Grandad. A special Tiger Lily just for you!

A Citizen's Arrest

According to TMZ.com, Nikki Hilton put a "male transient"/(my translation:) homeless man under "Citizen's Arrest" yesterday for "battery"/(my translation:) bumping into her outside of an IHOP Restaurant in West Hollywood.

"I place you under Citizen's Arrest!" she yelled. She then held the suspect at bay until the real police arrived.

Then the guy was for real arrested.

This got me to thinking how much I like the idea of "Citizen's Arrest." It sounds so serious, and yet, it carries no weight. How Tiger Lily.

Thanks to Nikki Hilton, I'm bringing back the Citizen's Arrest. I can't really remember the last time I used this phrase, probably because it was when my life was still in the single-digit range, but none-the-less, I can't wait to use it again.

Here's what I'm thinking for a Citizen's Arrest... I will place people under Citizen's Arrest if they break one of my laws. These are the violations that are immediately insulting because they are so clearly and utterly wrong. A Citizen's Arrest is merely a reaction to someone's unbelievable behavior.

So be pre-warned. I've brought it back. And I will place you under "Citizen's Arrest" if you violate any of my laws. Here are some examples:

1. If you are not a good merger, you cannot drive during rush-hour.

2. You cannot be a "wet blanket." This includes variations of the said offense, including, but not limited to: dream-killers, party-poopers, non-dancers and especially dieters.

3. You must be a dog-lover. (It's the law.)

4. You should not wear OU clothing unless you actually graduated from the University of Oklahoma in Norman.

5. You have to take all of your vacation days.

6. You should be nice to your mother. And courteous in general. Where has courtesy gone anyway? If you are rude in any way, I will place you under arrest.

7. You should not answer your cell phone in a movie theatre-- if it's an emergency, you should probably leave the theatre anyway. (This is for Jay and Traci)

8. Women-- you should not "leave a trail" in a public restroom. Would you do that in your own home? Unbelievable.

9. Men-- you should just stop spitting-- even if you are outside. Why was that ever okay?

10. You should take personal responsibility in all areas of your life. Obama can't help you out of everything.

Tiger Lily to the Citizen's Arrest.

29

It's time a number received a Tiger Lily and I've decided that 29 deserves it.

I can remember when my mom was just a little younger than she is now, and when her birthday would roll around, she would jokingly tell people, "I'm going to be 29 again this year!" Wink Wink. The inference was that 29 is young and desirable. With youth comes beauty, happiness and health. This is why women want to stay 29, right? Well, not me.

Desirable as 29 might sound, I'm here to say that I want my 23 back. Or, let's just fast-forward to my 30's. And here's why: 29 is no-man's land. It's not young and it's not old.

At 23, people think you are a baby and they treat you as such. You are allowed to get really drunk and make a fool of yourself, make bad financial decisions, date the wrong people and dye your hair the wrong color. (Anyone remember my bleach-blonde accident in 2002?) At 29, you cannot. You are entering "adulthood" and none of this behavior is acceptable. Yet, if your employer or doctor or parent's friend still wants to call you a "baby" or a "girl" (instead of lady/woman) it's totally acceptable. What?! I'm so confused. Is 29 young or old? You can't have it both ways!

I think that 29 is confusing. For instance:

Social Situations. Should I embrace my youth and party really hard? Or should I be responsible and go in early? This last weekend I attended a formal charity event. There were drinks and dancing. I left feeling torn. Should I have stayed later, had more to drink? Or should I follow the lead of my older co-workers? 14.5 years of me wants to light the table cloth on fire and get crazy on the dance-floor, the other 14.5 years wants me to drink red wine, refuse to dance and talk politics.

Shopping. Maybe I'm imagining things, but I feel "watched" when shopping at Forever21. I think, "She's wondering why I'm looking at these leggings. Am I too old to wear these? Should I fake a laugh, roll my eyes and put it back on the shelf?" Then there's the opposite experience in Ann Taylor. I feel the need to dress up and make sure the sales lady sees my wedding ring. Can I buy something other than business clothes here? Or am I too young to go with this pair of Capri pants? Are Capri pants even "in" anymore?

At they gym. I find that my body will no longer obey my workout demands and it's getting harder and harder to maintain an acceptable pace on the treadmill. But, I'm still "young." I'm 29! So my body should look great. What a horrible position 29 has put me in.

Children. At 29 I'm either supposed to have some and be motherly, or not have any and be prepared to defend their absence. In fact, at 29, you are expected to talk to anyone who asks you about your decisions to have, or not to have children. 29 requires it, like it or not. It is the right of people not your age to ask.

At work. It's time for you to have a "career." You can't be figuring things out, trying new things. You have to pick something-- and God forbid you picked the wrong thing at 23, because now you're stuck. If you decide to change your career now or take a step down to fulfill your dreams be prepared for raised eyebrows and whispers. Not fair 29! I want to be on American Idol too!

Each day of my 29th year will be tough because of the aforementioned situations. Although I will say that this juxtaposition of young and old has given me a strange longing for 30. While most of my friends will fear the onslaught of this mile-stone birthday, I will embrace it. It's old! Finally.

Tiger Lily to 29.