Tiger Lily to Angst, Sallinger Style

A Rare Re-Post in Honor of the Late Sallinger.

About two weeks ago, Matt and I went on a much-needed vacation to Mexico. I was looking forward to eating too much at our all-inclusive resort and basking in the hot Cancun sun while washing away the swine flu with every hand-wash. And as part of my normal vacation ritual, I brought along a couple of books to read. (I am on this kick where I'm trying to read classics.) So as I was browsing the "required summer reading" shelves at Barnes and Noble, I ran across The Catcher in the Rye.

This particular edition of the "American Classic" didn't have a synopsis printed on the back or on the inside cover and I decided to take a gamble. I had no idea what the book was about, but I knew it was a classic and the first page caught my attention:

“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them. They’re quite touchy about anything like that, especially my father.”

The story opens with a depressed and angry 16-year old named Holden Caulfield, who has just been kicked out of his third or fourth prep school. The remaining 100 or so pages follow his trip home to face his parents who Holden expects will be very disappointed with him, yet again. The more the story continued to do nothing but follow this kid, the more engrossed I became. I empathized with this "screw up" who was terribly whiny and foul-mouthed. And as he described every adult he saw as a "phoney," I began to adopt his cynical views and became a little unhappy-- even on vacation. If I hadn't picked up Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons before we left, I might be in therapy right now.

The more I tried to figure out why The Catcher in the Rye was such an American Classic, the more baffled I became. And now, after two weeks of reflection, I have decided that this story of a young man's angst must have been cutting-edge in the 1950's. I'm sure this book was banned not only for the language and the mention of "feeling sexy" around a prostitute, but also because no one in America would have wanted little Johnny to adopt such a negative outlook on life.

All in all, I quite prefer Ferris Bueller's teen-angst to Holden Caulfield's. While I can relate with both characters, Ferris provides a more playful and hopeful view of what comes next in life, where Holden just depresses the hell out of you.

In response to all of this, I have begun trying to really focus on the "glass-half-full" approach to life. That, and Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons has really brought me out this loathing for all mankind and I'm starting to recover. Tiger Lily to Salinger's teen angst; it has caused me to focus on being happy.

Expectations and I are Facing Off.

This Tiger Lily is dedicated to Jennifer Anniston. (I'm sure she faced off with her Expectations years ago...)

Tonight I attended one of my good friend's weddings and caught myself really concentrating on what the preacher had to say. He gave a homily of sorts, but on the shorter side, (which we all can appreciate) and then ended the service with a simple prayer. He prayed that the couple would experience "peace" in their marriage.

Well, HELLO! Did the preacher say that at my wedding and I just wasn't paying attention? Tonight, it finally hit me. I've been expecting perfection all my life, and I'm not just talking about my marriage-- which is actually pretty great, thanks to my husband-- But instead, I should have been asking God for "peace" instead of expecting Him to deliver "perfection."

So what are these things, "EXPECTATIONS"? And why have mine been so out of control? I guess I stubbornly expect everything to be perfect, to be on my timeline and to work out beautifully. But tonight, I began to realize that I should be praying for more "peace" as life usually delivers the unexpected.

For instance, in 2009:

1. Michael Jackson passed away. Totally unexpected. And, further on this note, I loved This Is It. Also totally unexpected. (If you haven't seen it, you should. "God bless you.")

2. Taylor Swift won The Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year Award. Have you heard her sing live? Totally unexpected.


She named her album, "Fearless." Because you would have to be to go to her concert.

3. Oprah announced she will retire. Wait, she's not God? She won't live forever? Again, unexpected.


Here she is praying. I guess that should have tipped me off that she wasn't deity incarnate.

4. The public is now loving Kate and hating Jon. Well you could knock me over with a feather.

5. The Octo-Mom did not sign on for a reality television show. Unexpected.




6. Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. (Settle down everybody, I'm just saying it was unexpected!)


Here he is after that great bank bail-out decision.

So Tiger Lily to Expectations. They almost never turn out the way you planned.

And kudos to Jennifer Anniston. From what I can see, she must have kicked Expectations to the curb and started asking for peace a long time ago.

Tiger (Lily) Woods

Sorry, I had to. My fans (all two of them) have both asked me to write a Tiger Lily for Mr. Woods and I couldn't resist.

Before I award the Tiger Lily, I have a few comments to make. First, I'd like to commend Tiger for his choice in women. As I've read through my trusted source, People, these women have been displayed for my gawking pleasure week-in and week-out. I'd like to say,

"Superior taste, Mr. Woods! I especially like the older Miss Orlando. She must have preformed really well in talent portion of the competition."



(Warning, do not google "Tiger's Mistresses and photos." I'm afraid my McAfee software went into overdrive.)

Next, I'd like to express my new fondness for Tiger's wife, Elin. Normally, I'm a hater of beautiful, "Trophy" Wives, but I now have a profound respect for her and what she's gone through. I can't imagine. All I have to say is,

"Way to go with the golf club! Women everywhere are living vicariously through you! (Even if it's not true.)"

And lastly, I just want to say,

"Yeah, right" that Tiger's Caddy/Wingman, Steve Williams, knew nothing about all of this. Here he is pointing out Mistress #73 to Tiger in the gallery.



But I think the real TL goes to Tiger's fans. I mean, are you really surprised?

Let's review some famous men and their lack of fidelity:

Dog #1- Wilt Chamberlain.
I mention him first because men all over the world like to quote Wilt's self-reported statistic every time. As if to say, "At least he wasn't as bad as Wilt." It drives me crazy.

Good 'ole Wilt brags in his autobiography, A View From Above, that he had sex with over 20,000 women. Wilt's saving grace (in my book, at least) was that he never married. Yet, when asked by a steady girlfriend how many women he'd slept with, he held up the following sign:



Wilt, you sly, lying dog.

Dog #2- Magic Johnson.
Magic contracted HIV and admitted in the early 90's that this was the product of affairs with multiple sexual partners. My guess is that he cheated on his wife. What a hero.

Dog #3- Kobe Bryant
Kobe was accused of a sexual assault on a 19-year old in Colorado in 2003. The charges were later dropped and Kobe simply explained that it was an extramarital affair. Phew. Thank goodness he's such a great guy. He even gave his wife a jumbo diamond after that. She's so lucky. I bet that's the only extramarital affair he ever had.

Dog #4- John Edwards
Johnny ran for President while his wife battled breast cancer and took care of their kids. If this wasn't enough to put him in the dog category, he then made a baby with a bimbo who thought he was "hot." (Please see my blog post about good hair. It's never good, people.)



Dog #5- Tim Tebow
Okay, so he hasn't been accused of infidelity yet. But it's just a matter of time. Look at his girlfriend. Poor thing.



I could parade a number of other dogs and their dirty-dog ways, but I think you get the point. Tiger is just one, in a long line, of misbehaving men. It is all of us who should take the Tiger Lily. We were fooled by his PR machine, by his biceps, by his Sunday-clutch shots and arm pumps. We just wanted to believe that all those PGA guys are just as squeaky clean as they are talented. I think we've all learned the hard way not to be so naive.

I'm not saying that any of us, myself included, are any shade of perfect. I don't expect Tiger or anyone else to be any more than just human. But his calculated, manipulative, and assisted marital escapades should not be glossed over just because he's a great athlete. It is terrible. I appreciate that he's asked forgiveness and I hope he won't do it again. But rarely do old dogs learn new tricks. Tiger Lily to everyone who was surprised and to anyone who thinks this will be the last time.

New Moon Knocks the Socks Off Chastity

Warning- a Sexy Read.

Fanpires and Wolf Packs ascended the theaters nation-wide last night for a midnight glimpse of Stephanie Meyer's New Moon-- the latest installment in her best selling Twilight-series about Vampires, Werewolves and Love Triangles. And as much as I'd like to say that I'm not a fan, about three things I am absolutely positive:

First, Twilight is about Vampires.
Second, there is a part of me, and I don't know how dominant that part might be- that is prone to obsession over fictional characters.
And Third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Jacob.

But seriously. How did I become such a dork? I'd like to say for the record, that I am a cool person. I have never liked Star Wars too much or known enough about Star Trek to name all of the characters (Mom), and I have absolutely never dressed up like any of these characters, not even a cape or wand accessory for Harry Potter.

But there is something about the Twilight Series that brings out the "New Kids on the Block" reaction in me. I bought my ticket for the New Moon premiere as soon as they went on sale; I began standing in line at 6:00 p.m. for a midnight showing; and I've even taken sides again- but this time, it's not Joey over Donny, it's Jacob over Edward.

I almost teared up when Jacob came on screen, I tore the hair from my own head, came close to fainting and almost lost my mind. Wait. Tiger Lily, I have lost my mind.


This could be me. Sanjaya girl.

I blame the Twilight pushers (Reagan, Traci and Brooke) who gave me a thirst for something that can never be satiated. I mean, it's a story about chastity and blood-thirsting that never truly delivers. It's like blue balls for girls. And we love it.

It's a story of unrequited love and all that star-crossed lovers BS that gets girls going. Edward, the brooding and good looking "bad boy" Vampire loves Bella- but he won't do anything about it- for the entire movie. They embrace, breath really hard at one another, occasionally exchange a pained-but restrained kiss, and then never go any further. I've admitted on more than one occasion that while reading these books, I would think, "Just do it!"


Right before they stare and don't kiss-- again.

Then, to spice things up- Meyers adds a love triangle. (And cue Jacob the Werewolf.) He's the ripped 17-year-old with with dark hair who is totally willing to "make it happen." (Thanks to J-Keaton for this phrase. It just means what you think it means.) But Bella won't have any of it. She'd rather lead him on and then go back to her non-delivering Vampire.



The brunette who gets it all wrong.



The blond that proves not all of them are dumb.

Women watch all of this for transpire over the course of two hours and then go home husbands who are now loving the Twilight series too, even though they'll never see the movies.

Tiger Lily to those people that have touted this book as a "good message" for teenage girls. It obviously makes all women crazy and absolutely has the potential to ruin a promise-ring ceremony.

Tiger Lily to 30-something women everywhere who are getting their kicks from a young-adult book series-- myself included.

And most of all, Tiger Lily to all of the men who make fun of us. You're getting more than Edward or Jacob ever dreamed of.

Coffee Date- Pharma Style

Yesterday I met my husband at Starbucks for an early-morning coffee date. We succumbed to a piece of "low-fat" cinnamon coffee cake and talked about the day ahead. Amidst the heating of the milk that makes that unmistakable Starbucks sound, and the smell of burnt coffee, we began to hear a very loud and very country-accented patron talking about his "drug" (Drug X) and the number of prescriptions "Dr. Black" would be writing of this said drug. It reminded me of my pharmaceutical days and made me smile, and then cringe, and then smile again.

Country Sales Rep (CSR): "Hello Dr. Black. I'm so glad you could meet me this morning for coffee. I like to bring my docs here and treat them to something really special. How is your latte?" *Cheesy and self-satisfied smile*

Dr. Black: "It's great, CSR. You should bring me a vente next time you visit. (CSR takes a quick note.) Although I've met with many drug representatives from your company, you might just be one of my favorites. You really bring me information that is relevant to my patients." *Rolls his eyes while CSR takes a sip of his latte and reminds himself that CSR will be giving him a generous check after Wednesday night's dinner program-- at which he will serve as a speaker, again.*

CSR: "So, I've noticed that you have quite a few elderly patients in your practice." *Self-satisfied smile again, he thinks himself very perceptive and congratulates himself on delivering a clever hook that has now engaged Dr. Black.*

Dr. Black: "Why yes, CSR, I do have many elderly patients and I've really started writing Drug X for quite a few of them." *Checks his watch, decides that he needs to give CSR about 10 more minutes.*

CSR: "Well, that's what I wanted to talk with you about this morning. After looking at the prescribing data that my company gives me, it seems that you might only be writing Drug X for 98% of your patients. Now, I know that not all of your patients are elderly, but surely all of them would benefit from Drug X? In fact, the other day, I was talking to one of my Nurse Practitioners who is a huge writer of Drug X; she was telling me that she has seen Drug X make such a difference in her middle-aged patients' lives, that they are now able to walk all the way to the mailbox and back, play that extra nine holes of golf, and even do their yard work again. And now that Drug X is fully covered on Blue Cross and Blue Shield, there's not really any reason you shouldn't write it for every patient in your practice." *Short pause, then CSR remembers that he should "check-in" or take Dr. Black's pulse.* So, he adds, "Does this make sense Dr. Black?"

Dr. Black: *Has been glad to have CSR engaged in his sales-pitch and has been eyeing the sexy/gothic coffee barista as she pours out a cafe mocha. Realizes CSR has stopped talking and luckily caught the last part of what he just said.* "Well, I do think that makes a lot of sense, CSR. I'll have to try that today."

CSR: *Baffled. Dumbfounded. Does not know what to do. Has been practicing possible objections in his car all morning and this "agreeable" response was not something he was prepared for. Takes the lid off his coffee and peers inside the cup to buy some time.* "Well, that is wonderful Dr. Black. I have been trying to win this big trip with my company and I really needed that 2% of your patients." *Self-satisfied smile again. Nice recovery and applauds his honesty. Honesty is always the best policy.*

Dr. Black: "Well CSR, I'd better be going. Thank you so much for the latte. I had to go with my regular order this morning, but when you bring me my vente tomorrow, bring me the one you ordered. What did you call it again?"

CSR: "Tiger Lily Spiced Latte, extra sugar but hold the whip. They are really great. I owe all my success to the Tiger Lily Latte." *Shakes Dr. Black's hand and goes back to his car to log a few "no-signature" calls. He also leaves the following voice message for his teammates:

"Hey Little Rock Road Runners-- this is CSR and I have a success story to leave with all of you-- My relationship has just reached its peak with Dr. Black. I've been really working on him this month and as we sat down to our morning coffee, he agreed to write Drug X for 100% of his patients. I will be available tonight if anyone wants to talk one-on-one about this victory and how to do this in your own territory. Make it a great day and good-selling!"

Meanwhile Dr. Black returns his nurse's call that he missed during the coffee-sales pitch: "Marie, yes, I can make it to lunch with Drug Rep B. And please tell Drug Rep C that I will see him this afternoon at 2:00. Tell him I said, "Go Hogs." Also, please make sure that the check from Drug Rep D is deposited into my special account and call Drug Rep E for samples. I'll be back to the clinic in a few minutes."

Leanne: *Wry smile* Please excuse my exaggerated re-count of that pharmaceutical masterpiece. This is not a true characterization of what the job is really like for a good sales rep-- but you have to admit that there are a lot of CSR's out there and it's just so hard not to poke fun at it them sometimes. But a quick note to CSR-- I wouldn't have been able to make fun of you today if you hadn't been talking so loud!

Keeping out the Tiger Lilies

The azaleas are beginning to bloom in our front flower bed, but you can barely see them thanks to the unyielding efforts of the impatiens that are still holding their own from early spring. The majority of the impatiens are a deep magenta, with a few coral and white buds resurfacing from last year's batch. They are so large and beautiful that they almost look like brightly polka-dotted bushes.

In fact, I've taken such care with the impatiens, that their fullness is actually a little overstated and it's obvious that I let the miracle grow flow as freely as the rain did this summer. They almost seem unnatural. But I continue to get compliments on the front bed and I have resisted the urge to plant my fall pansies which should last throughout the winter.

Similarly, thanks to the sole efforts of my husband, the grass in the front is as lovely as the ruff at Augusta. To the swelling pride of us both, we even had a neighbor remark that he would love to take a chipping wedge to our front yard.

And now to the back yard. 18 months ago, our back yard was in okay shape, but never being happy with good-enough, I decided that it needed an artistic touch. I bought a climbing mandavilla which was planted in a big pot and let it stretch its way across my deck. The mandavilla is a tropical flower and something that I had never grown before, but with the heat and a little water, it began to grow and bloom. I helped it spread out by tying some of the vines to the deck posts, guiding its path here and there. Aside from the bird's nest that was being rebuilt by a mama robin for her spring babies under the overhang of the roof, the mandavilla was the shining star of the back yard.

The grass was also in okay shape-- save one persnickety little spot that just wouldn't grow any grass. We fertilized, we watered, we even had a professional lawn service take a look at it. Finally, surrendering to the mystery of horticulture and not having the patience for this inconvenience, we decided to see if the health of the rest of the yard would soon overtake the brown patch. With a little patience and perseverance, we thought we'd have something as beautiful as Amen Corner in our back yard, too.

But as much as my impatiens flourished and spread in the front, the grass began to die with equal tenacity in the back. And the more it died, the less I tried to fix it. And truth be told, I never really tried to fix it, I just complained about it to my husband. I complained that we weren't getting our money's worth from our professional lawn service, I complained that it was ugly, I even quit picking the weeds that grew despite the lack of grass. And then, I let my mandavilla die. To punctuate the backyard's decay, I left the skeleton of the mandavilla tied to the deck for months.

It surprises me that the problems we're having in the back haven't surfaced in the front. But in truth, I have sure spent more time and effort on the front. The only hint of my inadequacy as a gardener, ironically, is the impressive size and success of the impatiens. Like I said, they look almost too big, unnatural, artificial. And their lack of authenticity is beginning to overshadow and stunt the growth of the beautiful azaleas. Pretty soon, Tiger Lilies will begin to bloom in full force. Something I've been worried about for a long time.

So starting October 1st, it will be time for some pruning of the front. Actually, it will be time for a slash and burn. It won't be pretty at first, but I hope what will result will be even more beautiful than the impatiens. And more importantly, it is time for some real attention to the back. And I'm making the time. The back yard is not glamorous, people won't compliment me for it, but I know I need to do all of this to maintain a healthy yard, both inside and out.

I'm pretty sure that the Tiger Lilies were just beginning to reach the surface in the front, despite my miracally-grown impatiens. But I've made up my mind. I'm not going to let that happen.

I am a good gardener. I know it. And honestly, this is way more about me than the yard.

Special thanks to my mother and my husband for helping with all of it, and for helping with all that lies ahead. On to greener pastures. Literally.

The BOOMER Outcomes Trial (Abstract and Commentary)

(The following article was published in the TIGER LILIES Journal for its absurd nature, author's baffling strong relationship with Boomer parents and the uninformed nature of the content.)

Non-Randomized, but largely intentional dominance of Boomer generation's opinions applied to health care debate and plausible resulting outcomes.

Leanne Deason, M.D.* and on behalf of the Generation X and Millennial Generation Study Investigators

Abstract

Objective: To determine the causes and outcomes of the Boomer Generation's dominance in the current health care debate, and to provide possible prevention measures.

Research Design and Methods: The BOOMER Outcomes Trial is purely an observational trial in which investigators have merely observed current trends in Baby Boomer behavior and concluded by giving their opinions as to the negative implications for later generations. The investigators of the BOOMER Outcomes Trial would like this to serve in the prevention of the total annihilation of Generation X and Millennials' futures.

Warning: If you are over the age of 50, the reading of the BOOMER Outcomes Trial may be hazardous to your health. It may cause an unnecessary increase in blood pressure and high levels of furiousness. Contact your doctor right away if you feel that this trial has "hit a nerve" or caused you difficulty in thinking clearly. If you are pregnant, plan to become pregnant or are breast-feeding, read on; you are probably young enough to handle the following truths about the Baby Boomer generation.

Results: Of the 76 million Baby Boomers, many have whined, cried and yelled their way through the national health care debate. Cigarettes in hand, and with the power of numbers and the almighty AARP behind them, they will decide to have their cake and eat it too. Seen here is a brave Gen Xer who risks job-loss, family excommunication and general humiliation if she continues to hold up her sign of civility.

Brace yourselves Generation X and Millennials, the impending and hefty Baby Boomer medical costs we will be obliged to absorb may come as a sucker punch from parents who "coddled" us into existence and even babied us through adulthood.** According to the Boomers themselves, we are not prepared for the grim reality that faces us in the near future. The cold hard truth: Boomers are shaping the health care plan to take care of #1. And we're going to pay for it.

Commentary

Here's how Boomers have managed to bull-doze the later generations:

Generation X and Millennals have been unfairly characterized as lazy slobs who feel entitled to everything. Check out this story from CBS written about Millennals in the work force. The Boomer advertising executive quoted actually has this to say about how to speak to Millennials:

"You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. You can't really ask them to live and breathe the company. Because they're living and breathing themselves and that keeps them very busy." Later she expands: "These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and [that] the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have this commitment. So you actually envy them. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool."

This story made the investigator's blood boil. The lazy-entitled nature of the Millennals is something that is now widely accepted as fact thanks to this type of propaganda being shoveled by the Boomer generation. While many highly productive, Gen Xers and Millennials work hard at their jobs, (aka: being babysat by a highly-superior Boomer) they can't shake this unflattering characterization which is being used against them to set policy. Seen here are Boomer town-hall attendees who vote in favor of "sticking it to these lazy, Millennal SOB's."

Further observations in this study lead to the following evidence: Boomers control the media. Brian Williams, NBC- age 50, Charlie Gibson, ABC- age 66, Katie Couric, CBS- age 52. The list goes on, even the lead-cast of the Today Show: Mereditih Vieria, Matt Lauer and Ann Curry qualify for a senior citizen discount.

Additionally, the senior special interest group, AARP, has ramped up their pro-Boomer efforts with their "Divided We Fail" and the "Assault on the Truth" campaigns. As complaining about the Medicare Donut Hole gets passe, (the portion of the Medicare Drug plan that they actually have to pay for), they are now showing commercials that depict "special interest groups" barring them from medical treatment. In the commercial, an ambulance, no doubt carrying a Boomer, is diverted from its route to the hospital by Millennials driving the "speical interest" cars.

Obviously, a Millennial is driving the "special interest group" car because no Boomer could maneuver a car like that anymore.

Possible Preventative Measures

The investigators would like to point out that they do not know how to remedy the health care crisis but will be brazen enough to suggest a few possible improvements that can be made:

1. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should all begin eating healthy and exercising.

2. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should all except that health care is going to cost and it's probably going to cost a lot.

3. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should accept responsibility for themselves and not push it off to other generations.

When the investigation committee asked two Boomers what they thought of these suggestions, they responded with a simple:

* M.D. just stands for mostly distressed.

**These facts have been given by Baby Boomers and are not corroborated by later generations.