The BOOMER Outcomes Trial (Abstract and Commentary)

(The following article was published in the TIGER LILIES Journal for its absurd nature, author's baffling strong relationship with Boomer parents and the uninformed nature of the content.)

Non-Randomized, but largely intentional dominance of Boomer generation's opinions applied to health care debate and plausible resulting outcomes.

Leanne Deason, M.D.* and on behalf of the Generation X and Millennial Generation Study Investigators

Abstract

Objective: To determine the causes and outcomes of the Boomer Generation's dominance in the current health care debate, and to provide possible prevention measures.

Research Design and Methods: The BOOMER Outcomes Trial is purely an observational trial in which investigators have merely observed current trends in Baby Boomer behavior and concluded by giving their opinions as to the negative implications for later generations. The investigators of the BOOMER Outcomes Trial would like this to serve in the prevention of the total annihilation of Generation X and Millennials' futures.

Warning: If you are over the age of 50, the reading of the BOOMER Outcomes Trial may be hazardous to your health. It may cause an unnecessary increase in blood pressure and high levels of furiousness. Contact your doctor right away if you feel that this trial has "hit a nerve" or caused you difficulty in thinking clearly. If you are pregnant, plan to become pregnant or are breast-feeding, read on; you are probably young enough to handle the following truths about the Baby Boomer generation.

Results: Of the 76 million Baby Boomers, many have whined, cried and yelled their way through the national health care debate. Cigarettes in hand, and with the power of numbers and the almighty AARP behind them, they will decide to have their cake and eat it too. Seen here is a brave Gen Xer who risks job-loss, family excommunication and general humiliation if she continues to hold up her sign of civility.

Brace yourselves Generation X and Millennials, the impending and hefty Baby Boomer medical costs we will be obliged to absorb may come as a sucker punch from parents who "coddled" us into existence and even babied us through adulthood.** According to the Boomers themselves, we are not prepared for the grim reality that faces us in the near future. The cold hard truth: Boomers are shaping the health care plan to take care of #1. And we're going to pay for it.

Commentary

Here's how Boomers have managed to bull-doze the later generations:

Generation X and Millennals have been unfairly characterized as lazy slobs who feel entitled to everything. Check out this story from CBS written about Millennals in the work force. The Boomer advertising executive quoted actually has this to say about how to speak to Millennials:

"You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. You can't really ask them to live and breathe the company. Because they're living and breathing themselves and that keeps them very busy." Later she expands: "These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and [that] the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have this commitment. So you actually envy them. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool."

This story made the investigator's blood boil. The lazy-entitled nature of the Millennals is something that is now widely accepted as fact thanks to this type of propaganda being shoveled by the Boomer generation. While many highly productive, Gen Xers and Millennials work hard at their jobs, (aka: being babysat by a highly-superior Boomer) they can't shake this unflattering characterization which is being used against them to set policy. Seen here are Boomer town-hall attendees who vote in favor of "sticking it to these lazy, Millennal SOB's."

Further observations in this study lead to the following evidence: Boomers control the media. Brian Williams, NBC- age 50, Charlie Gibson, ABC- age 66, Katie Couric, CBS- age 52. The list goes on, even the lead-cast of the Today Show: Mereditih Vieria, Matt Lauer and Ann Curry qualify for a senior citizen discount.

Additionally, the senior special interest group, AARP, has ramped up their pro-Boomer efforts with their "Divided We Fail" and the "Assault on the Truth" campaigns. As complaining about the Medicare Donut Hole gets passe, (the portion of the Medicare Drug plan that they actually have to pay for), they are now showing commercials that depict "special interest groups" barring them from medical treatment. In the commercial, an ambulance, no doubt carrying a Boomer, is diverted from its route to the hospital by Millennials driving the "speical interest" cars.

Obviously, a Millennial is driving the "special interest group" car because no Boomer could maneuver a car like that anymore.

Possible Preventative Measures

The investigators would like to point out that they do not know how to remedy the health care crisis but will be brazen enough to suggest a few possible improvements that can be made:

1. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should all begin eating healthy and exercising.

2. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should all except that health care is going to cost and it's probably going to cost a lot.

3. Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials should accept responsibility for themselves and not push it off to other generations.

When the investigation committee asked two Boomers what they thought of these suggestions, they responded with a simple:

* M.D. just stands for mostly distressed.

**These facts have been given by Baby Boomers and are not corroborated by later generations.